The One Who Protects
by Alun
Summary: Sequel to The One Who Watches. Three years after the attack on the tower, Amell and Alistair are transferred to Kirkwall. Armed with a mission from the Divine, Amell has her own mission, reunite with the man she lost. But Cullen isn't the same man he was. When she turns his ordered world upside down for the second time, the war between duty and love reignites. AU
1. Chapter 1

Amell leaned against the railing, staring out at the sea as she was brought closer to where she'd be spending the rest of her days. Three years had passed since the nightmare at the Ferelden circle. Three years since Cullen had left. Three years as she helped rebuild the broken circle. And now she was on a boat, traveling to Kirkwall, to a new adventure. Under the guise of a transfer, she was going there to prevent what happened in Ferelden from happening here.

Alistair accompanied her. While they were no longer lovers, hadn't been since the terrible tragedy at the circle, they were very close. She still loved him, enough to let him go. She couldn't give him all of her and that's what he deserved. So they had settled into a deep friendship.

"Have I mentioned how bad of an idea this is?" Alistair said, his back to her, staring out at the sea.

"Someone's got to do it," she replied.

"But that someone doesn't have to be you."

"It's a little late now."

They both knew the real reason she had volunteered. Cullen was in Kirkwall.

"I don't know if I can protect you here. You know the stories they tell. The beatings, the rapes, making Harrowed mages tranquil… the list goes on and on."

"Rumors."

"That doesn't mean it isn't true."

She sighed. They had been over this before. He would point out all the reasons this was a bad plan and she'd stubbornly ignore him. She knew it was a bad plan. She knew that she risked not just her sanity but her life. But she had to try. Kirkwall wasn't going to save itself. So with the backing of the First Enchanter and the Knight Commander, they arranged to have her and Alistair transferred.

She would infiltrate and liberate the circle here. She would not allow the madness of blood mages corrupt her new home. She would do whatever it took to protect the innocents. And if along the way that meant she'd see him, be near him again, then it was worth the potential pain. Alistair couldn't see that though. He simply remembered the broken man that had broken her heart.

She didn't know what she expected to happen when she arrived. All she knew was that there was no going back.

"I'll be fine Alistair. I can handle it. Plus I have you for back up. You're good back up."

He didn't take the compliment. "I've seen you handle yourself. You tend not to leave anything behind."

She remembered with a bit of a sick stomach how she had lost control at the tower when Uldred had taken over. She had been so scared and she'd used her fear to fuel her spells, causing mass amounts of devastation. She knew she couldn't lose control like that again. It was too dangerous. She would have to use her wits and charm to navigate the potential problems of this circle. She only prayed she wouldn't be alone.

# # # # #

Cullen woke covered in sweat, his breathing heavy and his arm reaching for his sword. Another nightmare. Three years had passed but sleep still proved a struggle. He would be back in the tower, fighting for his life, watching his friends be slaughtered or worse, watching them give in to their captors. Every night was a gamble. Would the nightmares come? Usually they did.

He downed his drought of lyrium, feeling its magic snake through his system, dulling his senses. He had come to rely on the drug to get through his day. Today he was to oversee a transfer from Ferelden. He wasn't looking forward to it. What if he recognized the mage? What if they recognized him? He didn't want to deal with it. But it was his job and he served the Chantry and the Maker in everything that he did so he didn't question his superior's orders.

The nightmares made him moody. As he dressed and left his quarters, his bad mood seemed to follow him like a dark cloud. The other templars noticed and kept their distance. He had made few friends here and he was glad of it. He took his duty seriously. No need to befriend the men under his command. His duty was to ensure they did theirs. Unlike Ferelden, there was no leniency with the mages. They had a much shorter leash. The better to control them, to keep them from rebelling like Uldred had. If they tried anything, Cullen and his knights would be ready for them.

He made his way to the docks, ignoring the people around him. He waited for the boat to dock. When it arrived, he saw Alistair first. His stomach dropped. Then she walked off the boat, his nightmare made flesh. Alistair helped her but when she saw him she froze. They stood there staring at each other, neither of them able to speak. Why her? Was this some kind of cruel joke? Why was she here of all places? He watched her compose herself. Her usual carefree smile was gone, in its place she wore a frown. It didn't suit her.

"This is enchanter Amell, transferring from Ferelden's circle. I am Alistair."

His words had to be for someone else because of course he knew who they were.

"What are you doing here?" he growled at her, not even making eye contact with Alistair.

"Transferring," she replied, not meeting his eyes. "It's all here in the papers."

There was something else going on, he was sure about it, but now wasn't the time or place for a conversation so instead he told them to follow him and led them to Kirkwall's circle.

"Welcome to your new home," he said gravely.

# # # # #

Cullen introduced them to the first enchanter and soon Amell was deep in conversation with the elf and Alistair felt dismissed. He was not happy to be here. If it hadn't been Amell who insisted on being sent to this place, he would be back home where it was safe and comfortable. He glared at Cullen's back. This was his fault of course.

Cullen turned towards him once Amell left with the first enchanter. "It's been awhile," Alistair offered as a peace offering.

"You're staying as well?" Cullen asked.

"That's what the papers say." He studied the man standing in front of him. He looked better than he had after the circle fell but not by much. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked like he hadn't slept well in weeks, maybe months. Not that Alistair slept all that well either. He and Amell still had nightmares about their ordeal. Cullen looked grumpy as hell though.

"Walk with me Templar."

Alistair obliged. "Guess you are my new boss, Knight Captain."

Cullen didn't respond. They walked the Gallows until they were out of ear shot of the other templars. "Why are you here? And don't give me bullshit about a transfer. There is no reason they would transfer Amell here."

"Well we aren't here because of you," he spat out.

"What in the void is that supposed to mean?"

"It's none of your business."

"How can I protect her if I don't know what's going on?"

"It's not your job to protect her."

Cullen smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. "I'm a templar, she's a mage. Of course it's my duty."

"I thought our duty was to protect them from her."

Cullen sighed. "It's both but not the point."

"Look Cullen." Cullen gave him an unfriendly look. "I mean Knight Captain. If Amell wants you to know, she'll tell you. I however don't trust you. I remember what you said, what you did to her. I'll be watching you."

Cullen let out a mirthless laugh. "Trying to intimidate me?"

"Hurt her again and I will end you." Alistair tuned and walked off without being dismissed. The was definitely a bad plan.


	2. Chapter 2

Amell nodded and tried to listen to the First Enchanter but her thoughts kept returning to a certain blond haired, golden eyed templar. She hadn't expected to see Cullen so soon. Seeing him threw her off completely. He looked, well she shouldn't think about that. He had definitely grown into his looks. What had once been a boyish handsomeness had transformed into a gorgeous man. She knew she shouldn't think of him in this way, that it complicated why she was there, but she couldn't help it. He haunted her.

He hadn't been happy to see her, that much was obvious and she tried not to let it bother her because in a way she hadn't been happy to see him either. For three years she dreamed of him, and not all those dreams had been pleasant. She tried to tuck away her thoughts of him and focus on the First Enchanter. He was showing her around, introducing her to the senior enchanters, explaining the way things worked. All things she needed to know but her mind just wouldn't stop.

Being in Kirkwall made her nervous. She had no back up, only Alistair and he'd be in danger too if she screwed up. She could only hope that the stories of Kirkwall were exaggerated. She had walked willingly into a viper's nest and for what? To save strangers? Or to save him? Her heart knew the truth.

The First Enchanter patted her on the shoulder. "You'll adjust and soon you'll fit right in."

"Thank you First Enchanter."

"Please it's Orsino." He gave her a kind smile. She smiled back hoping that the man would turn out to be an ally and not an enemy. There were very few people she could trust and that made her feel lonely.

They passed a pair of templars who openly sneered at them. She swallowed her apprehension. Kirkwall was very different from home. If she wasn't careful this place could destroy her.

# # # # #

Cullen kept a close eye on her. His nights were filled with demons riding in her skin, tempting him with empty promises. And when his body betrayed him, he prayed. He woke, cursing her name. Logically he knew it wasn't her fault but her being here brought back horror he'd been trying to forget.

She actively looked for him. He'd watch her face as she scanned the assembled templars until their eyes met. He would keep his eyes hard, his expression guarded. He wouldn't let her in. She couldn't be let in. She'd furrow her brow, look disappointed as if she expected a different reaction. What did she expect? For him to be happy with her? He wasn't happy, he was worried. And the fact that he worried for her made him feel all the more worse. Why should he worry for her? The Circle was safe. He had nothing to worry about. And yet it still plagued him.

One day, after she'd been there for a few weeks, he got tired of the looks. He pulled her aside and confronted her.

"What are you doing here?"

She looked surprised. "I'm trying to fit in."

He sighed, not believing her. "Why are you here?"

"Let go of me Cullen."

He hadn't realized he still gripped her arm. "It's Knight Captain."

"Oh how you cling to your title." There was a bitterness in her voice he didn't expect.

"It'd be easier if you just told me your purpose."

"Let me go."

"You have no friends here. You shouldn't be here. You are far from home." He kept his voice low, in control.

Her face softened and he loosened his grip but didn't let go of her. "As are you."

"Kirkwall is my home now."

Her eyes went dark. "As it is mine. There can be no turning back. I must go forward." She pulled from him slightly. "I must insist you let go of my arm."

"You are in no position to insist upon anything."

She sucked in a breath. "Who are you?"

He didn't respond or let go. He simply glowered at her. Maybe if he was mean enough she'd get it and leave.

"You ask me to trust you but you're a stranger to me now," she said.

"I can't protect you. You are in danger here."

"Right now the only danger I see is you."

He pulled her in close, smelling the jasmine on her hair and skin. "Amell, you must leave, please."

She was trembling as she gazed up at him. He felt a pull to lower his face and capture her mouth, to claim her. She was so close, so dizzyingly close.

"What is going on here?" A voice broke the spell. He pushed her away and let go.

"First Enchanter," he muttered as he turned to go.

"You must be careful with the templars," he heard the First Enchanter say as he walked away.

_Good advice, Orsino,_ he thought. _Maybe she__'ll listen to you._

As he walked away he realized what he was so afraid of. If she got caught doing whatever it was she was planning, and he knew she planned something, she would be killed. There was no leniency here, not like in Ferelden. It was what he preferred. Leniency had led to the fall of the circle in Ferelden. Here that was not going to happen. He wouldn't allow it. But could he really sit back and watch as she marched to her own doom?

# # # # #

Alistair waited nervously outside the Amell estate. He had promised to seek out Amell's relatives to see if they would be sympathetic to their cause. A dwarf opened the door. Alistair plastered what he hoped was a pleasing grin upon his face. "I seek the lady of the house."

"And who is calling upon her?" the dwarf asked formally.

"I'm a templar named Alistair. I come at the behest of Solona Amell."

The dwarf nodded and let him in. "Please wait here, ser."

Alistair entered the lavish home. Nervousness continued to flit in his gut. A lot rode on this conversation and he wasn't sure he was the man to get it done. But Amell depended on him and he would do his best.

He was not prepared for the beautiful woman that walked down the staircase. Though the color of her hair was a dark brown, different from Amell's fiery locks, she looked staggeringly like Amell. But the way this woman moved, cat-like, full of grace, was so different from Amell. He bowed once she was on the same level as him and found his voice.

"I am Ser Alistair, my lady." He wanted to kiss her hand or something to show his appreciation but he refrained. He wasn't that smooth.

"And what does a templar want with me?"

He cleared his throat, reciting the words he had practiced on the way over. "There is a mage in the Kirkwall circle who would like to meet you. Her name is Amell."

"It could be a coincidence."

"Her father was a cousin of your mother's. Which makes her a cousin of sorts to you."

"And why should I care?"

Alistair was a bit taken back. He had thought the other woman would at least be curious. "She has no one here. She was hoping—"

"To find family."

"Yes."

"I'm afraid I'd just disappoint. Besides I avoid the Circle."

"Because you're an apostate?"

She glared at him. "How?"

"I'm thorough in my investigations. And I know you've risked much in the past to help mages. My friend…" Amell was so much more than just a friend. "She is putting her life at risk to protect innocents from being destroyed."

"How?"

"Meet with her and find out." Alistair was starting to feel a little bit of hope.

"How do I know this isn't a trick?"

"Name the place and time and I'll get her there. Your turf, your rules."

"How are you going to break her out?"

"Leave that to me."

That he already had a plan for that. He had spent the last month studying the layout of the Gallows and he had a pretty good idea on how things worked. Sneaking her in and out would be difficult, but not impossible. And he knew Amell wanted to meet this woman for herself.

"All right. There is a clinic in Darktown. Meet me there at nightfall in two days."

"Very well. Thank you Lady Hawke."

"If this is a trap, I will destroy you."

"I have no doubt of that." He smiled at her and was surprised to see her smile back. She licked her lips and the sight of her tongue caused his stomach to flip. Maker, she was beautiful. _Focus Alistair,_ he told himself. _Don__'t go making yourself look like an idiot. _

"I'll take my leave of you then, my lady."

"It's Hawke. Just Hawke."

"Until I see you again, Hawke."

"Looking forward to it, Alistair."


	3. Chapter 3

This was a big risk. But Amell had to meet her, had to see if this Hawke would help. While she trusted Alistair, this was something she had to do herself. If she was going to succeed she would need the outside help. So she followed Alistair out of the Gallows and through the city until they reached a dingy clinic. The lights were off and all patients were gone. She prayed that everything would go as planned.

A single candle was lit, illuminating the face of who she figured was Marian Hawke. She gawked. Standing side by side you could tell the two of them were related. She didn't say anything at first, waiting for the other woman to speak.

"It was weird for me out too at first. You look too much alike," a familiar voice said.

"Anders?"

Anders walked into the light, a smirk on his lips. "Hello Amell."

Hawke looked between the two of them. "You know each other?"

"Yeah. She's from the Ferelden circle. Speaking of which, what in the void are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same."

"Me? I'm running and hiding, not putting myself into Thedas' most corrupt circle. You don't belong here."

"Funny, I keep hearing that."

Hawke stepped in. "Anders, let me talk to the woman. You wanted to meet?"

"Yes, I need your help."

"And why would I help?"

"I'm hoping my cause will move you."

"I'm listening."

"I'm here to root out any blood mages that are conspiring to overthrow the circle here."

"On what authority?"

"The Divine."

"You are telling me the Divine sent one mage for this?" She didn't look like she believed her.

"One mage can infiltrate and integrate into the circle without raising suspicions. However I fear I can't trust anyone in the circle for help which is why I'm seeking you. It isn't just because of our relation. You have a certain reputation."

Alistair shuffled his feet, like he did when he was nervous. "Tell her everything Amell. Tell her why you volunteered."

She glared at Alistair, not liking where he was trying to lead this. There was some things she wasn't ready to share. But he stared back at her and eventually she sighed, resigned to spilling her real reason for coming to Kirkwall. "Very well. There is a templar here from Ferelden. It is hoped that I can persuade him to our cause. He's in a position of power that could prove advantageous. However upon arriving I feel that avenue would be better off unexplored."

"Knight Captain Cullen, right?"

"You know him?"

"We're not what I'd call friends but he knows my secret and hasn't brought me in. He also mentioned you once… fondly."

That surprised her. "He did?"

Anders scoffed, rejoining the conversation. "You can't be serious. I don't care that he's kept your secret. He's a templar and can't be trusted."

"Hey I'm a templar," Alistair interjected.

"And I don't trust you either."

"I'm hurt."

"Stop. Both of you," Hawke said roughly. "I'll help you. Any way I can."

"Thank you Hawke."

Hawke smiled. "What can I do now?"

"I don't know yet. I hope you don't mind but Alistair will have to be our go between. I can't risk leaving the circle too often."

Hawke smiled at Alistair, her eyes bright with an expression that made her think of a lion gazing at a gazelle. "That'll be fine, won't it handsome?"

"Ugh," Anders said.

"So how are you going to be seducing the virtuous Knight Captain?" Hawke suddenly asked.

Amell turned red and stared at her. "I'm not going to s-seduce him."

Hawke laughed. "Well then maybe I should. The easiest way to a man's heart is through his pants."

"That won't be necessary," she said a bit too abruptly.

Hawke quirked an eyebrow and smiled. "Would it bother you?" Hawke was far too keen.

"I… that's not the point."

Anders rolled his eyes. "Could I speak to Amell alone please?"

"No," Alistair said, getting between the two of them.

"Alistair, please. Anders is an old friend. I trust him."

Hawke looked amused. "Seems your templar lover is a little jealous."

"We are not lovers," Amell said quickly. Hawke really kept her off balance.

"Good to know," she replied.

Anders pulled her into an empty part of the clinic and lit another light. The soft light illuminated his handsome face. "You need to leave. I can get you out. I have connections."

She shook her head. "I appreciate the offer but I can't leave. I have a responsibility."

He sighed. "I'd forgotten how beautiful you are." He touched her cheek.

"You haven't changed. Still as charming as ever."

"You're wrong. I have changed. I'm not the man you once knew. But I'm still your friend. So trust me when I say you are in danger there."

"I'm being careful."

"Just say the word, when you are ready to leave, I promise I'll do whatever I can to get you out."

She hugged him. "I missed you, you bastard."

He laughed, hugging her back. "I missed you too."

# # # # #

Amell settled in remarkably fast. The other mages accepted her and even some of the templars had warmed to her. She stayed away from trouble and seemed to be obedient. Cullen knew better. She was hiding something and he was going to find out what.

He intercepted her as she walked to the library. "Enchanter Amell, a word?"

She had been ignoring him ever since he had grabbed her. He felt shame at the memory. She had a power over him that he resented, but it did no one any good taking it out on her.

"Knight Captain," she said neutrally. "What can I do for you?"

At this point, staring at her, seeing her tuck a strand of fiery red hair behind her ear, looking into her large blue eyes, he was struck speechless. The words in his head died before reaching his lips. She continued to stare at him, waiting for his reprimand._ Get yourself together,_ he thought.

"You may have everyone else fooled, but not me."

She rolled her eyes. That just made him angrier. "I really don't know what you mean."

"It's my job to ensure order in the Gallows. I will not have you distress my men."

She let out a short laugh. "You're serious." She took a step forward into his personal space and lowered her voice. "The only person I'm distressing is you." He took a step back but stopped himself from fleeing from her knowing gaze. "Why do I affect you so, Cullen?"

He opened his mouth to speak but closed it as soon as he realized he didn't know how to respond. Gone was the innocent apprentice. In her place stood a woman who would be his undoing. He glanced around but no one paid them any attention. "I know what you're doing. You're trying to distract me."

She smirked. "Is it working?"

_Yes. _"No."

She licked her lips and lowered her gaze. He vividly remembered their one shared kiss years ago. How desperate he'd been for her touch. How she'd said she wanted to heal him. Did she still feel that way? "What do you want from me?" he asked suddenly.

She licked her lips again and bit her bottom lip. "Honestly at this point, I don't even know. You aren't the man you were. I don't know who you are anymore." She looked sad. Even a bit lost. He wanted to reassure her, to tell her that he hadn't changed. But that would be a lie.

"I don't know who I am either," he admitted.

She reached out to touch him but drew her hand back suddenly. "Well I hope you figure it out."

_Me too,_ he thought as he watched her walk away. He realized too late that he was no closer to the truth. She'd outmaneuvered him… again. His hands closed into fists. The more she eluded him, the more he needed to know the truth. A smile crossed his lips when he figured out a way to get her to talk.

# # # # #

For someone who looked like Amell, Hawke was the complete opposite. Where Amell was soft, Hawke was hard. Where Amell was meek, Hawke was aggressive. Where Amell's smile brought butterflies to his stomach, Hawke's smile went straight to his groin. He hadn't had such a visceral attraction to a woman before. Which made working with her a nightmare. Because while he tried to play it cool, it seemed every dirty thought played straight on his face. And she delighted in his discomfort.

The two of them, along with the dwarf Varric and the mage Anders, were drinking at a pub called the Hanged Man. She had information for them but was withholding it while she had her fun. And her fun included making him as uncomfortable as she could. Alistair had no choice but to play her game. Varric was trying to get him to talk about the fall of the Ferelden circle when out of nowhere Hawke saved him with her own question.

"Tell me more about Amell. I'd like to know about my cousin."

How could he describe her without sounding like a fool? "She's kind to everyone. Needs to help people. She can't stand to see anyone suffer."

"You're fond of her."

"She's my best friend."

"But you want more."

"We tried that, it didn't work."

"Why not?"

Alistair felt heat on his face. He sighed. No use in lying. This woman would see right through it. "She… she didn't feel the same."

"There was someone else?"

"Yes."

"Interesting. And yet you're still hung up on her."

"I'm… not."

"Liar. That's okay, we can fix that." She gave him a wicked smile that brought up images of her in indecent positions to his mind. He blushed, afraid she would know exactly where his thoughts laid. Anders groaned.

"So what is her plan?" Hawke changed the subject.

"Get close to the mages and find out their secrets."

"And with the templars?"

"I don't think she has a plan for them. Stay out of their way basically."

"And what of her planned corruption of the poor, defenseless Knight Captain?"

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Jealous?"

"No but he could hurt her and then I'd have to kill him which would put a crick in our plan."

"Well I think it's a good idea. Cullen seems like a man who could use a good corrupting."

Anders snorted. "Amell isn't the type."

"Oh?" Hawke turned to her other companion. "How do you know?"

"I knew her pretty well. She's too innocent to make that kind of move. She needs to be wooed to the bedroom."

"Talking from experience?"

Anders laughed. "I don't kiss and tell."

Alistair didn't like the implication of his words. "Nothing happened between you two. She was quite adamant about that when you left."

"And if I hadn't left things would have been different."

"Are the two of you really fighting over a woman who has showed zero interest in either of you?"

"It's not about the woman I think rather they just want to prove who has the bigger…" Varric offered.

"Well if Alistair is willing we could go upstairs and I can find out."

Varric laughed while both Anders and Alistair grumbled. "Looks like the templar needs to be wooed too."

Hawke chuckled. "I can buy flowers first." She winked at Alistair. Her flirting was driving him mad. He didn't know if she was serious, she probably wasn't, or if she just acted this way with everyone. He guessed the latter. Too bad. If his nighttime fantasies were any indication, he would very much like her to act on her flirtations.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: NSFW**

Amell walked from her quarters to the library, as she did most days. Without any actual responsibilities she had free reign to study whenever she wished. On the way, Cullen pulled her aside and into a tiny alcove away from prying eyes. She was very aware of how close he was standing. He rubbed his neck and licked his lips, glancing from side to side, not looking at her.

He pulled her in and pressed his mouth against hers. She swallowed her protests as she enjoyed the sensations of his lips. This kiss was different than the one at the tower. It was hungry but reserved. He was holding back. In the back of her mind, she wondered why. His mouth moved across hers, suckling at her lips. She twined her hands in his hair, pushing him into a deeper kiss. He groaned against her mouth and she trailed kisses down the side of his face to his neck.

"Amell, stop. Someone could see."

She pulled away and looked into his eyes. They were darker than usual. Her stomach was in knots from his surprising move. "Why did you do that?"

"To prove a point."

"What point?"

His face softened and he reached out to cup her face. "That you can still trust me."

He may as well have slapped her. "So you kiss me to loosen my lips? How dare you use my feelings for you to manipulate me into telling you anything?"

He closed his eyes. "That's not the only reason I kissed you."

"What other reason?"

"I've been wanting to do that since you walked off that damn boat."

There was once a time where she'd trusted him with anything but things had changed. He had changed. But he had kept Hawke's secret and she had to know why. She lowered her voice so she wouldn't be overheard. "Why haven't you brought in Hawke for being an apostate?"

"What? You mean she is a mage?" he whispered, a smirk on his face.

"Just answer me."

"This city needs her. She can't do what she does if she's stuck in here. I owed her. She saved my life." He brushed a strand of hair out of her face. The faint touch sent a tingle down her spine. "And she reminds me of you."

Amell closed her eyes, yearning for his touch again. "We could use your help I suppose."

"We? Who else is helping you?"

"Are you going to help or not?"

"Depends on what you need."

I need you, she wanted to say. "I was sent here to search for corruption, to prevent the atrocities that happened in Ferelden from happening here. Do you know what I've found?"

He shook his head.

"Desperation. Fear. Oppression. Your templars squeeze too hard."

"They do what is necessary."

"Making Harrowed mages tranquil is necessary? Beatings, starvation, rape, all necessary?"

"Amell…"

"No. You either condone their actions or else participate in them."

"You think so low of me?"

"What am I to think? You said yourself, mages aren't people. They are a danger. Every one of them should be put to death."

"Ramblings of a mad man. I wasn't in a right state of mind when I said those things."

"I want to believe that but your inaction to the atrocities committed by your men—"

"They are just rumors. Nothing is sanctioned."

"Other than tranquility."

"Sometimes it's necessary."

She shook her head. Arguing with him was pointless. "This was a bad idea."

"And what of the mages? Are they innocent?"

"No. Some of them turn to blood magic and that makes them my enemy. But I feel their desperation. I understand their plight."

"I'll help you. I don't want the Gallows to fall."

"Alright. I need you to give a list of names to Hawke. I need her to investigate them, see if they are blood mages."

"I can handle this myself."

"No. Sick your templars on them and they have no chance."

He frowned.

"You promise you'll give the list to Hawke or no deal. I'll find another way."

"You mean Alistair."

"Yes. He's been there when you haven't."

"Oh I remember him being there quite vividly."

Amell coughed, a bit embarrassed. "That's not what I meant."

"Why come to me at all if you have Alistair?"

"I don't want him getting hurt. You have protection he doesn't. No one trusts him here. No one respects him. You have that respect. You can help me change this place."

He pressed his lips together in thought. She wasn't sure if he even wanted to help her or if this was just another part of his game to get her trust. What would she do if he went to the Knight Commander and spilled her secret? The longer it took him to respond, the more unsure she became. She wanted to trust him, a part of her needed to trust him, but could she really?

"You expect too much of me," he said quietly.

"Maybe."

"I'll give Hawke the names."

"Thank you." She handed him the list. "Oh and Cullen?"

He looked up at her, something akin to hope in his eyes. "Yes?"

"Never kiss me again." She turned to leave before he could see the tears in her eyes.

# # # # #

Cullen watched Hawke saunter over to him. When he handed her the note, she grinned. "Well thank you Knight Captain. It's good to see you on our side."

He grunted noncommittally.

"Amell must be pretty special for you to help us."

"This isn't about Amell."

She laughed. "You can fool yourself but you aren't fooling anyone else."

He kept his face like a stone wall. "Don't make me regret this."

"Oh but I can tell from the look in your eyes you already do. Don't worry though. I'm quite competent." She moved in close, close enough where he could smell the lilac and lily in her hair. He shifted weight from one foot to the other. "And if you ever get bored of Amell, you can always come to me. I know just what to do with men like you."

He grew bold at her words and leaned in. "Men like me, huh?"

She pressed her palm against his chest place. "Interested?"

He leaned down to whisper in her ear. "Not in the slightest."

She frowned but it passed quickly. "Lucky Amell then."

He felt his face grow hot. "There's nothing between me and Amell."

"But you want there to be." He didn't respond. It wasn't untrue. But he wasn't going to admit it to this woman. "First it was Anders, then Alistair and now you. What is about her that has you guys so infatuated?" He didn't respond. "Lucky for you she doesn't want Anders or Alistair. Seems to only have eyes for you."

He perked up. Alistair and Amell weren't together?

"So if it's not her that is standing in the way, what is?" Hawke brushed his cheek. "Do you just not know what to do with a woman?"

"What do you want from me?"

She smiled and looked him up and down. He blushed. "We'll be in contact." She turned and walked away.

He looked around. A few of the templars gave him looks. Great, at least maybe the rumors of him being a prude would end. He sighed. He had no doubt everything the woman had just done came from a very calculated place. He just couldn't figure out what she gained by throwing him off. Was Amell manipulating him? Was this a part of their game? She had told him never to kiss her again and he would abide by it. But was it what she really wanted?

It didn't matter. He was a templar and she was a mage. Any lust between them was strictly forbidden. He shouldn't have kissed her to begin with. It had started as a way to throw her off, to gain her trust, but he couldn't lie to himself. He had wanted to kiss her, desperately. He just needed an excuse. He brought his fingers to his mouth. If he closed his eyes, he could conjure the feel of her mouth against his. The smoothness of her lips, the taste of her. He wanted to kiss her again, wanted to do more than just kiss her. No one else came close to eliciting those feelings from him. Even Hawke, who was very attractive, didn't make him want to throw his vows out the window and claim her. What was it about this particular mage that had him doubting everything?

# # # # #

Hawke crossed off the last name on her list. Another blood mage. That made four out of the five blood mages. What was wrong with these mages? They gained only death. Alistair shook his head. He just didn't understand mages. He followed Hawke into her estate once they were finished. He should be returning to the barracks but wanted to spend even just a few more minutes with the beautiful mage before returning to what he now resented. Kirkwall was too different from Ferelden. In Ferelden he had made friends, a kinship with the other survivors. Here, he was alone again. He didn't even have Amell. She was far too busy with her mission to spend time with him. It was the time he got to spend with Hawke that made his day.

"I should be getting back to the barracks," he said, hoping she would give him a reason not to.

"Care for a drink first?"

He smiled and accepted the glass of wine. He sipped at it and watched her back as she gazed into the fire. They drank in comfortable silence. She kept her back to him as she spoke. "You could stay the night."

He choked. She turned her head to look at him. The fire light made her face glow. Maker, she was beautiful. "Unless I'm mistaken and you don't want to."

Oh he wanted to. He drained his cup. Hawke walked over to him and took the cup from his hand. She set the cups on a table and then came back over and took his hands in hers. He realized he was trembling. She put his hands on her waist and leaned against him.

"It's been awhile," he admitted.

"Don't worry, I'll show you what to do."

Alistair growled, not wanting to let her take control. Not of this. He pulled her in, crashing her mouth against his. She let out a surprised sound but returned the kiss with fervor. She wove her hands into his short hair, pulling him in closer.

"Take off your clothes," he commanded and she obeyed, lust filling her blue eyes. Once naked, he examined her in the fire light. She was magnificent. He ran his hands down her body, stopping to cup her breasts in his hands. Then he roamed down her stomach.

"This is unfair," she complained. He smirked but started to undo his armor. She helped him, lingering a bit to run her hands over his well muscled form. He moaned. It had been too long since he'd had a woman's touch. Once naked, he picked her up and carried her to the bedroom, leaving their clothes a mess on the floor. He really didn't care.

Once he was on the bed, she straddled him and peppered kisses across his chest. He turned them over and nuzzled against her breasts, taking one of her perfect nipples in his mouth and suckling her. His hands moved down her belly until they nestled between her thighs. She was wet for him. He used his fingers to tease her open, enjoying the soft moans coming from her throat. He started gentle but she as she urged him to go harder, he obliged. She arched her back as he fingered her to completion. His cock ached.

He slipped into her wet heat and they kissed as he drove into her. Hawke came again and the feel of her tightening around his cock caused him to explode. He held her close against him, breathing her in as she fell asleep. He watched her, his heart constricting. He was already thinking about the next time. There better be a next time.


	5. Chapter 5

Amell waited for Hawke and mulled over the latest rumors about Hawke and Cullen. It upset her even though she tried to convince herself that it didn't. Hawke didn't owe her any loyalty and Cullen, well if he wanted someone else that was his prerogative. Then why did it hurt?

She heard footsteps. Too many footsteps. She prepared a spell when she was hit with a powerful smite. She recognized the templar, Ser Alrik but not his templar friends. They wore frightening smiles and seemed to enjoy the fact that she was powerless. She didn't even have her staff.

Alrik approached, ready to smite her again. "What's a mage like you doing outside the circle? Don't you know we have rules against that?"

"I uh…" She didn't have a reasonable explanation at all.

"Don't worry little one." He sneered. "We'll just make you tranquil." There was a glint in his eye that made her uncomfortable. "And then you'll do whatever I want."

Behind the templars she saw Hawke and Anders, followed closely by Alistair and Cullen. She had never been so happy to see them. Anders eyes started to glow a bright blue and his body started to exhibit the same blue aura. Her eyes widened. What was going on?

Before she could ask, Anders annihilated each of the templars, faster than they could smite him, faster than they could react. It was hard to watch. He had saved her but at what cost? And what in the world was wrong with him?

"Anders, what have you done?"

Anders turned to her, his voice deep and unnatural. "Who are you to question me? I just saved your life. But you belong to them, don't you. You're one of them."

His words made no sense but there was no mistaking how he turned on her, turning his magic against her. She saw him cower for a moment and realized he'd been smited. Cullen got in between the two of them, his hand on his sword.

"Damn templar. I'll kill you too."

Hawke reached out and grabbed Anders' shoulder. She spun him around and stared him down. "Anders snap out of it. Justice let him go. She's on our side."

The blue light was gone and she was faced with Anders natural brown eyes. "I am so sorry Amell." He looked on the verge of tears.

Cullen didn't back down, his hand still on his sword. "Abomination."

Hawke grabbed Anders and pulled him behind her. "Its not what you think."

"Its pretty clear to me."

"You'll have to go through me to get to him and trust me templar you don't want to do that."

This time Amell got in between Cullen and Hawke and she faced her cousin. "Stand down Hawke."

"And let him murder Anders? Whose side are you on?"

"He won't. Right Cullen. You won't kill him."

"He's an abomination. He nearly killed you."

"That wasn't him. Let them explain."

And so Anders explained how he let the spirit Justice inside of himself and now the two of them were fighting for the freedom of mages. Amell felt uneasy about the whole thing. She could see where Cullen was coming from. But Anders was her friend, someone she cared about.

Cullen hadn't stepped down and neither did Hawke. Amell needed to say something to dispel the tension between everyone. "This isn't why we are here."

Cullen relented. "It is too dangerous for you to leave."

"I'm sorry you got involved in this."

"You need to be protected."

Hawke smirked. "I thought it wasn't about Amell."

"I-its n-not." Amell looked at him with a raised eyebrow but he looked away.

Hawke rolled her eyes. "For fuck's sake, why don't the two of you just fuck and get it over with."

Cullen turned bright red and Amell looked at her feet. Way to be blunt. Alistair laughed.

Anders shook his head. "Not everyone solves their problems with sex like you do."

She flashed him a smile. "Jealous?"

"Of you and your new templar? I don't think so."

Amell's gut tightens. The rumors were true. "You and Cullen?" She whispered.

Cullen looked at her, his expression unreadable.

Hawke just grinned. "Wrong templar."

She laughed, relief flooding her body. "Way to go Alistair."

Alistair sighed. "Glad you approve." He muttered.

Cullen just shook his head. He looked relieved as well.

"Now that everyone knows, how about we get Amell back home." Alistair said.

"Not until we get what we came for." Amell handed over a ring.

"Why couldn't one of us done that?" Alistair asked.

"Couldn't risk your templarness affecting the ring."

"Its too much of a risk." Cullen said.

"Its my life."

"Tell that to the dead men at your feet." He shook his head. "I shouldn't be a part of this."

"You're the one that insisted on coming." Hawke said.

"And now I insist you return, Amell." Amell only nodded.

"We'll take care of the bodies." Hawke bent down and searched Alrik. She opened a piece of paper she found on his person and read it. "You might want to read this knight captain."

He looked at the paper, his brow furrowed.

"What does it say?" Amell asked.

"The tranquil solution. Alrik proposes making all mages tranquil."

"So it was true," Anders said. "I didn't imagine it."

"You should know both the Divine and Meredith refused."

Anders looked surprised. "Maybe the cause isn't lost at all."

Cullen reached out and gently grabbed Amell's arm. "Time to go."

Alistair stepped forward. "Get your hands off of her."

"Alistair, its fine. I'm fine." Cullen still let go.

Amell followed him through the tunnels in silence. Finally he spoke. "Why did you think Hawke and I were… together?"

"There's talk in the Gallows. People saw you together."

"Does it bother you?"

"Not anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because it isn't true. Its not true, right?"

Cullen stopped and looked at her. "She did proposition me."

Amell swallowed. "Oh?"

"I declined. She's not my type."

"What is your type?"

He only smirked and kept walking.

# # # # #

Cullen stood watch over the mages racked with guilt. Meredith had put him in charge of finding out what happened to Alrik and his men. He was still conflicted about the templars' deaths. After finding out about the tranquil solution, which honestly didn't surprise him, the other rumors of rape and mistreatment were more believable. He had heard Alrik's threat to Amell. He doubted he misinterpreted his meaning. Alrik had forsaken his vows to protect. But instead of the Order handling it like they should, Hawke had taken care of it. Or really it had been Anders.

The abomination. Every instinct he had said to kill him but Amell would never forgive that. Why did he let her affect him so? He risked a glance in her direction and saw her deep in conversation with the first enchanter. She was completely oblivious to the adoration in the older man's eyes. He wasn't all that surprised by the enchanter's obvious attraction. Amell was special. He knew it. Plenty of others knew it as well. Orsino could be more discreet though.

It was clear to him that Amell didn't return the feelings. She looked up to him like she had Irving, like a father figure. It would have broken his heart to see her look at another man with such affection and that bothered him. She caught him looking at her and she frowned. They hadn't spoken since that night with Alrik. He had kept his distance. But he thought of her often.

He still had nightmares, all which contained her. But the more disturbing dreams weren't the nightmares, that he was used to. No the dreams that bothered him were the ones where there was no titles coming between them. He wasn't a templar and she wasn't a mage and nothing prevented them from being together. When he woke from those dreams his heart ached.

He tore his gaze from her and looked at his other charges. Meredith appeared looking frazzled.

"The quanari are attacking the city. Templars, mages, we fight to protect Kirkwall."

Her words urged him into action. He barked orders to his men and gathered the mages. Amell looked concerned as she picked up her staff. It was up to him to ensure order not chaos. He led templar and mage against the guanari and to the Viscount's estate.

# # # # #

Alistair watched as Hawke and the Arishok dueled. He watched Hawke run as she waited for her mana to replenish. He panicked when it seemed the Arishok would get a blow in. But in the end Hawke won and Meredith herself named her Champion instead of slapping bindings on her and hauling her to the Circle. He found Amell around the other mages, her face showing her relief.

Cullen walked up to him. "Make sure all the mages are accounted for and march them back to the Gallows."

"And the dead?"

"I'll handle that."

He obeyed, doing his duty when all he wanted was to run over to Hawke and embrace her. He didn't know what he meant to Hawke but he knew what she meant to him. He was falling for her. When they were together he wanted to admit his feelings but held back because she seemed to only want his body. Once sated, she would turn from him, dismiss him. Even when he stayed the night, she would remain distant until she woke, climbed on top and had her way with him. And he let her. Because he wanted her, needed her.

Being with Amell had been different. He didn't ache for Amell like he did for Hawke. Hawke consumed him and everything else around him numbed in comparison. The thought of losing her made his throat dry. Amell walked over to him. Together they made their way back to the Gallows.

"You love her," she said.

Alistair stopped and looked at her. "How?"

"I saw how you watched the battle. Your feelings are obvious."

"Does it bother you?"

She furrowed her brow. "Do you want it to?"

"I'll admit the thought of you doing the pining would be a welcome change. But I wouldn't want to hurt you either."

"I love you Alistair. You are my best friend and I want you to be happy. Hawke is a lucky woman."

"You're my best friend too."

"Damn right I am." She looked over at someone and he followed her gaze to see Cullen ordering his men about. "Besides I do plenty of pining as it is."

He didn't know what to say and hugging her in front of everyone would make things worse. "Do you regret coming?"

Amell sighed. "No. I didn't come for him."

"Liar."

"Not just for him at least. I know there's no future there. He'll always be a templar and I'll always be a mage. He's too honorable to forget that."

He tried to distract her from her thoughts about Cullen by changing the subject back to Hawke. "I don't think Hawke sees me as anything more than… well you know."

"Then she's a fool."

"I don't know if I can handle having my heart broken… again."

"Not loving her would be worse."

"Is that really how you feel?"

Somehow the conversation turned towards Cullen again. "Yes. I'd rather have the brief moments of joy than the emptiness of not feeling."

"Wouldn't you rather feel something for someone who can return your feelings?"

"Like who?"

"You've never been devoid of suitors."

She shook her head. "We can't control how we feel or who we fall for."


	6. Chapter 6

Amell was studying in the library. It was late and she was alone except for a single templar standing watch. She should have finished up and packed her things away but as long as the templar didn't say anything about it, she avoided going to bed. The nightmares had been getting worse. At the tower whenever she had a nightmare, she sneaked into Alistair's room where he would hold her until she could fall asleep again. Here that wasn't an option.

Cullen came in and relieved the templar. He walked over to her, a bemused smile on his face. "Ser Kant has been on duty for thirteen hours now. You can't monopolize my templars time like that." His voice was light, joking.

"It's not my fault a templar must always be watching. We can't even bathe in peace."

Cullen reddened and she wondered if he was thinking of her bathing. "Templars must be vigilant."

"And chaste."

"Only with mages."

"Too bad I'll never be anything but." She turned tired eyes to him. "What can I do for you Knight Captain?"

"You've been avoiding me."

"Not intentionally."

He scoffed. "We're supposed to be working together to change the Gallows into a better place for mage and templar."

"We're failing."

"We'll just have to try harder."

"I'm tired."

"It's not like you to quit."

"It's this place. It sucks the life out of you."

He pressed his lips together. "Does that mean you're leaving? Going back to Ferelden?"

"Do you want me to leave?"

He paused, lost in a thought that he didn't say out loud. "No."

"Then what do you want?" That was always the question on her mind. What did he want from her?

"What I've always wanted. What I can't have."

"I'm right here."

"That's presumptuous," he said with a coy smile.

"You're cruel."

"You're the one who told me to never kiss you again."

"I was angry. You used me."

"Never." He knelt by her chair and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. His gauntleted hand was cold and she shivered. "It's torture to have you here and yet… it was worse when you weren't. It'd be worse with you gone."

"We're hopeless. How can we save the Gallows when we can't even save ourselves?"

He leaned his forehead against hers. Being so close to him, it was difficult to breath. She wanted to press closer, to feel his lips against hers. She wanted so much but she held back. She didn't want to scare him off again. "If I was more like Alistair…" he trailed off.

"If you were more like Alistair, I wouldn't love you."

He whipped his head back, his mouth open and she winced. She hadn't meant to say it. It just came out. He stumbled to his feet. "It's time for you to get to bed," he said in his templar voice, all warmth gone.

_Great, I__'ve gone and fucked up our moment,_ she thought. She sighed and put her books away as he watched her. His face was an unreadable mask. As she laid her head on her pillow, all she could think about was him. His face when she had admitted her true feelings. The sharp pain of realizing he didn't feel that way about her. She shouldn't be surprised. She had given him no reason to love her back. As she slipped into sleep, her dreams were full of rejection and pain. At least there weren't any demons this time.

# # # # #

Cullen avoided her. A week had passed since her admission and he still felt guilty for how he had acted. Cold. Distant. Just like the last time she admitted she wanted him back at the tower. She loved him. It wasn't some infatuation or the appeal of something forbidden, she loved him. And if he was honest with himself he loved her too. But he couldn't say that to her. She was right; they were hopeless. Loving each other didn't change reality.

He laid awake in his bed like he had every night since, trying to figure out what he was going to do. _Nothing, _he thought bitterly. _As always I__'ll do nothing and someone else will scoop her up again because she's not going to wait forever. _

Someone opened his door, shut it behind them and locked it. He sat up and reached for his sword.

"I should be glad that you don't lock your door," Amell said softly.

Had he fallen asleep? Was he dreaming? "How did you get in here?"

"Templars get sleepy too."

She crept to the side of his bed. The moonlight streaming through his window illuminated her face. She was breathtaking. "You shouldn't be here."

"I know. I'm sorry. The nightmare… I'd go to Alistair but he's in the barracks or at the estate. I just couldn't be alone."

He didn't know what to do. If this was just a dream there would be nothing wrong with pulling her into his bed. However he knew this wasn't a dream. In reality there were consequences. "There are boundaries, Amell."

"I know. This was a mistake." She turned and started for the door.

He didn't want her to go. "Wait." She turned back to him. "The damage is done. If we are caught they'll never believe it was innocent."

"I didn't come to seduce you."

"Oh?" He chuckled so she'd know he was joking. "My loss then." He moved over on the bed and patted the mattress beside him. "Tell me about your dream."

She sat. "I'd rather not."

"Then what would you like from me?"

"Hold me?"

He nodded, opened his arms and she sank into them. His fingers brushed her hair as she shivered beside him. "I have… dreams as well."

"Who holds you?" she asked, her voice had a dreamy quality to it.

"No one."

"Someone should."

He nuzzled into her hair, enjoying her warmth, her scent. He could get lost in her scent. "This is dangerous, Amell."

"We won't be caught."

"That's not what is dangerous."

She fitted against him perfectly. Her backside pressed against his groin. He willed himself not to get hard thus ruining the moment but his body still responding. How could it not? Wasn't this what he always dreamed about? Her in his arms, his. She had said she hadn't come to seduce him and yet she didn't have to. Just her being so close was a seduction of its own. She felt different from his fantasies. More real, more intoxicating.

She didn't mention his erection. He fell asleep listening to her evened breathing.

# # # # #

Alistair rolled off of Hawke, completely spent. She turned her back to him but this time he grabbed her shoulder and pulled until she faced him. She looked annoyed.

"You exhausted me. I need sleep."

"Listen to me first. I've grown to care for you, deeply."

"I know. You fall far too easily."

"If you know and don't feel the same, why continue this?"

"I enjoy having you as my lover. Its enough for me."

"I want more." He stroked her arm with his fingers, feeling goosebumps raise on her flesh.

"What more do you want? Its not like I take anyone else to my bed, though I could. Why must this be more than it is?"

"I spent years loving a woman who couldn't love me back. And those feelings are nothing compared to how I feel about you."

"You think you love me?"

"I know how I feel."

She sighed. "I can't love you."

"Why not?"

"Because love makes a person weak. Love is something you can lose and I can't lose any more."

He sat up and started putting on his clothes. "If you can never love me, then I can't keep doing this. I can't keep being with unavailable women."

She pulled him back to the bed. "Don't go, please." She closed her eyes but tears still slipped out. "I can't bear to lose you."

He stopped dressing. "You mean that?"

"I lost my sister to darkspawn. My brother to the taint and my mother to a blood mage. My friends are all that keep me together. I've never wanted anyone in my bed as long as you. I don't become attached to my lovers because love doesn't last."

"I'd rather have the briefest moments of joy than the emptiness of nothing," he quoted Amell. "Someone very wise told me that once."

"Clearly the person hasn't lost anything."

"Actually she's lost quite a bit."

"Oh, you mean Amell. Let me guess, she wasn't talking about you."

"This isn't about Amell. Its about us. Loving you brings me joy even if that love is unrequited."

"I thought you were leaving."

"A bluff. I could never leave you willingly."

"I need some time to think."

"About?"

"Us. Truth is I'm already attached to you which may very well doom us as lovers. But I don't want to lose your friendship."

He laughed bitterly. "I know all about being just a friend."

"How do I know I'm not just a replacement for her?"

"First of all the two of you are nothing alike. And how I feel about you is utterly different than anything I've ever felt. I've had other women since Amell but it was empty. With you I feel alive again."

"I'm afraid." She wrapped her arms around her knees. He wanted to comfort her.

"So am I." He bent down and took her into his arms. "I love you, Hawke." He whispered into her hair.

She was trembling when she responded. "I love you too."

And elation filled his soul.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: NSFW**

Sneaking out of Cullen's room proved just as easy as sneaking into it had been. And as night fell, the temptation to do it again filled her. But she would resist. It was dangerous and the consequences for both of them if they were caught were too high. She closed her eyes and imagined his arms around her. She'd give just about anything to feel that again. So instead she got the wild idea to take a bath instead of sleep.

She sought out Cullen specifically and told him what she planned to do. He swallowed.

"Any of your templars free?"

"At this time of night? No."

"Then I guess it will have to be you."

"I can forbid it."

"But you won't." She walked to the baths knowing he followed close behind. No one else was in the baths, they were alone. She heated up the water and undressed. She wondered if he was watching but didn't look back to see. She sank into the warm waters and reached for the soap.

"Would you mind washing my back?" She tried to keep her voice as innocent as possible.

A strangled cry caused her to worry that she had pressed too hard. But then she heard gauntlets fall to the floor. A hand reached and took the soap from her hands. She heard the soap being lathered and then felt two strong hands massage her shoulders. She moaned, his touch eliciting a quick response. She leaned forward, giving plenty of access to her back. He was thorough, very thorough.

He gently pulled her so that her back pressed against the tub. From there he washed her neck and her chest. His fingers lingered on her breasts. She let out another low moan, mumbling his name, as he thumbed her nipple. Heat pooled between her thighs as she wished he would dip his hands lower. She didn't dare voice her wants for fear of scaring him off. She never expected Cullen to be so brazen. His breathing became ragged as he continued to fondle her. Then it ended. He picked up his gauntlets and ran from the room.

She sighed in disappointment. She finished up, washing her hair and rinsing the soap from her skin. Her body still tingled from his touch. She dipped her fingers between her thighs, pleasuring herself to thoughts of Cullen. Satisfied, but not really, she left the tub and wrapped herself in a towel. She looked up to see a templar watching her. Ser Kant.

"You shouldn't be out alone," he said, his voice husky.

"I wasn't. I don't know what happened to the templar who was watching me."

"Well no one is here now."

She bent and picked up her clothing, refusing to dress in front of him. She didn't like the way he looked at her. "Then I will return to my room."

"Not so fast little mage." He came closer and she found herself backing up until her back hit the wall behind her. With no where to run, he quickly closed the gap between them. He was close enough that she could smell his breath. "I've had my eye on you for awhile."

She grimaced. She needed to get out of this situation but she didn't know how. "I'm not interested."

He shoved his body against hers and ripped the towel from her grasp. "I don't care."

# # # # #

Once alone in his room, Cullen locked the door and shed his clothing. He barely made it to the bed before he began to stroke himself. He remembered the feel of her skin, the way she moaned his name. He imagined what it would be like to put one perfect teat into his mouth. How he'd trail kisses down her stomach and nestle between her thighs. Smelling her, tasting her. How she'd open for him and him alone. How she'd moan and thrash as he drank his fill of her. His cock ached as he imagined slipping into her wet heat. How she'd tighten around him as he drove into her over and over. He peaked, spilling his seed all over himself. He quickly cleaned up, wishing he'd spilled inside of her. Just as he was pulling his tunic on, someone tried to open his door. Then they knocked.

He opened the door to find Amell trembling, tears careening down her face. She flew into his arms sobbing. She was still wet from her bath. He shut and locked the door, concern coiled in his gut.

"What's wrong my sweet Amell?"

She didn't stop sobbing so he ran his fingers through her hair and held her until she exhausted herself.

Finally she spoke. "He was waiting for me." Cullen stiffened, sure he didn't want to hear more. "I don't know if he saw us together, he didn't say. But he…"

"It's okay love." He continued to stroke her hair.

"He forced himself on me. I couldn't stop him. I couldn't use magic or he would have cut me down. I let him have his way with me."

Cullen felt sick. "It's not your fault."

"I should have been more careful."

"Tell me who it was."

"No."

"Amell, I can't protect you…" he trailed off as it suddenly hit him. He hadn't protected her. He had abandoned her. This was all his fault. If he hadn't ran from the baths, whoever had done this wouldn't have been able to. "Oh Maker, I'm so sorry."

She looked up at him, her eyes shining from her tears. "This isn't your fault."

"Of course it is. If I hadn't run away."

"You couldn't have known."

"Tell me who the bastard is."

"No. You'll go after him and then you'll be in trouble. I'm protecting you by not telling."

"Then he's going to get away with it."

"Of course he is. They always do. Do you think I'm the first? They take what they want because they know there is no consequence. Only the mage suffers."

He continued to hold her, kissing her temples, longing to kiss her tears away but fearful of triggering her. Rage filled him. If he ever found out who had done this to her, he would kill him. Consequences be damned.

"You must tell the first enchanter. If not for yourself than think about the other mages. You can prevent it from happening again."

She sighed. "I'll talk to him but there's nothing he can do."

He tilted her head up so he could see her eyes again. "I'll never let this happen again. I swear it."

She smiled and brushed her lips again his in the barest of kisses. "You always want to protect me." She closed her eyes and leaned into his chest. "I love you, Cullen," she whispered, barely loud enough for him to hear.

_Even after I failed you,_ he thought. "I love you too."

# # # # #

Alistair was happy walking into the barracks until he heard the templar Kant recounting his torrid affair with one of the mages. He was describing how tight she was when he noticed Alistair.

"That mage you brought from Ferelden. Amell? You've had a taste of her yet?"

Alistair glared, really not wanting to talk about this. "No."

"Well I have and I'm telling you, she was wet with desire for me."

He was lying. He had to be. "Amell would never touch you."

"She was all over me last night. Mewling like a cat in heat."

"You're a bad liar."

"Don't believe me? Go look at her. She's walking a bit funny."

His friend laughed. Before he knew what he was doing he threw a punch knocking the templar to the ground.

"You'll pay for that," he spat.

And pay he did. Knight commander Meredith was furious. His punishment? He was cast out of the order.


	8. Chapter 8

Amell woke in Cullen's arms again. She watched him in his slumber, unable to tear her gaze away. Memories of the night before hit her. The rape. Cullen woke to her crying. He massaged her back until her tears stopped.

"It's getting late. We need to get you to your bed."

"I don't want to leave you."

He smiled at her. "I'm here. Maker forgive me I'm here. But if they catch you, they'll make you tranquil or worse. I will not allow it."

She snuggled into his chest before rising and collecting herself.

"Remember you promised to talk to Orsino."

She groaned. "I know."

She left and went to Orsino's office. He brightened when he saw her. "Enchanter Amell, what can I do for you?"

"I've come to report a… r-rape." She stumbled over her words.

"Who has been brutalized?" Concern radiated from his face.

"Me." She swallowed and saw fury building in his eyes.

"Who did this?"

"I don't know. It was dark."

"You don't have to be afraid. He can't hurt you."

She burst into tears and Orsino wrapped his arms around you. "I'll protect you."

"I don't know who did it."

"Where did this happen? When?"

"I took a late bath. He was waiting for me."

"The templar that was to watch you?"

"No, he was gone."

"Who watched you last night?"

She paused. She needed to make sure Cullen was in no way associated with what happened. "No one. I was alone. I'm sorry. It was my fault. I put myself in danger."

"No Amell it's not. The monster who did this is to blame. Not you." She nodded but didn't believe his words. "I'll take care of this. Go get something to eat. Stay with your fellow mages. Safety in numbers."

She left and did as he told her. She went through the rest of the morning in a daze. When she was called into Meredith's office she wasn't surprised. She was however surprised to see Cullen and he looked furious.

"Shut the door, enchanter Amell," Meredith commanded. Orsino was there as well glaring at Cullen. "The first enchanter has made a grave accusation against knight captain Cullen. He claims the knight captain forced himself on you last night. Is this true?"

She looked at Cullen who was so angry his face was turning red. She wanted to touch him, to reassure him but she couldn't, not here, not in front of them. So she turned to Orsino. "Why would you think it was him? I said I didn't know who it was."

"The looks he gives you has not gone unnoticed. It is clear he lusts for you," Orsino said.

"It wasn't the knight captain."

"How do you know? You said it was dark."

Why was Orsino doing this? She needed to protect Cullen and there was only one way to make sure he didn't take the fall for this. "It wasn't him." She closed her eyes. "It was Ser Kant."

Orsino put a hand on her shoulder. Cullen somehow looked even more wrathful. He looked murderous. Meredith stuck her head out of her office. "Someone bring me Ser Kant. Orsino you owe the knight captain an apology."

"I'm sorry. I assumed."

Cullen steeled his jaw. "Next time be sure before you question a man's honor."

They waited in awkward silence until Ser Kant was escorted in. When he saw Amell he grinned. She felt sick. He had a nasty black eye and she wondered how he'd gotten it. She hadn't fought back the night before.

"Before we begin, I have a confession," Ser Kant said. "I did lay with this mage last night and it wasn't the first such occurrence."

"You admit to raping her?" Orsino asked.

"Rape her?" Kant looked appalled. He was a good actor. She almost believed it. "Amell why would you say such things? She invited me to bathe with her last night. I swear she came to me willing. More than willing."

Meredith frowned. "I'm inclined to believe Ser Kant's confession. Did you seduce Ser Kant last night?"

"No! Why would I come forward if it was a mutual act?"

"I'm afraid I told her last night that it was over between us. I couldn't forsake my vows any longer. She didn't take it well."

Amell wanted to scream.

"If I may Knight Commander."

"Speak freely Cullen."

"Even if Kant is telling the truth, fornication with a mage is forbidden. For him to get away with this could incite other templars to forsake their vows. I suggest Ser Kant is expelled from the order."

"Expelled? No. I bet Ser Cullen here had a taste of her too. She seems the type to spread her legs for everyone."

"Enough. I agree with Cullen. You betrayed the Order to sate your lusts. Now you have no Order to betray."

"What of the mage? What is her punishment?"

"Punishment? The poor girl was victimized," Orsino said. At least he still believed her.

"I find the mage's story suspect. The girl will undergo the right of tranquility."

"No," she cried out.

Kant smirked.

"This is extreme Meredith," Orsino argued.

"Your affection for this mage has been noted. Understandably you can't think clearly where she is concerned. Corrupting a templar is a grave offense. As Ser Cullen has noted, it would behoove us to set an example before more mages set their sights on my templars." She turned to face Cullen whose face was stone. "Cullen, escort the mage to the dungeons."

"Of course."

Before Cullen could pull her from the room, Orsino reached out to her. "I am so sorry."

She walked with Cullen but when they turned away from the dungeons she stopped.

"No Cullen."

"I'm not letting them make you tranquil."

"And I'm not letting you throw your life away."

"You can't ask me to send you to this fate."

"And if I go free now, they'll know it was you. Tell Hawke. She'll get me out."

"And if she can't?"

"Then I face my punishment. It's not like the charge isn't true."

"You haven't corrupted me."

"Haven't I?"

"I've stayed true to my vows, to my duty. Loving you isn't a sin. Only acting on it. And Maker knows I haven't acted on it."

"Would you have, eventually?"

"Would you still love me if I did?"

Yes, she wanted to say. Nothing could make me stop loving you. But she held back. She didn't need to give him any reason to try and rescue her himself.

"Take me to the dungeons."

"I can't protect you."

She touched his chest plate. "We need to go."

# # # # #

Cullen went straight to the Amell estate. Hawke opened the door and ushered him in. Alistair greeted him with a half-smile.

"So you've heard," Alistair said.

"Heard what?"

"I got expelled from the order."

"You what? How did you accomplish that?"

"Ser asshole was bragging about Amell and his conquest. I didn't take lightly to his lies. So I punched him."

"Kant?"

"Yeah. Did you see the damage?"

"We have bigger problems. Amell has been taken to the dungeons. They plan to make her tranquil."

"What? Why?"

"Because I'm an idiot. I forced her to come forward about what happened last night and it all turned to shit."

"What happened?"

"Kant forced himself on her, he…"

Alistair bounded to his feet. "The snake did what? I shouldn't have punched him. I should have killed him."

"I plan to," Cullen said, his voice pure venom. "We need to rescue her."

"We'll handle it," Hawke said, finally speaking up. "Go back to the Gallows."

"No. I'm not going to do nothing when all this is my fault."

"We'll let you know if we need you."

"Why are you shutting me out?"

"Because you're an overemotional mess and I can't babysit you while I try and rescue my cousin."

Cullen turned and slammed the door on his way out. But he didn't make his way to the Gallows. He went to Darktown and the one place an exiled templar would go for a fix. Kant didn't survive the night.

# # # # #

They found her huddled in a corner on the floor. Alistair couldn't help but think of the last time she'd been in the dungeons and their first kiss. It hurt his heart knowing what she was going through. They sneaked out with her, using an old secret tunnel templars would use to escape the Gallows unnoticed. They hadn't even had to kill anyone. Hawke had put the guards to sleep. Only once they were safely back at the estate could he breathe again.

Anders was the first to speak. "I'm not going to be able to get you out tonight, but in a few days I can get you to Ferelden."

"I'm not leaving Anders."

"Are you mad? Of course you are leaving."

"I still have a duty here, a mission. You of all people should understand that."

He sneered. "You fight for oppression, to make the circles stronger."

"I fight for the innocents who will be slaughtered if blood mages gain control."

"You would have every mage locked away."

"You know that isn't true. I'm an apostate now too. Don't tell me what I fight for."

"I hate to interrupt, but I agree with Anders," Alistair said. They looked at him. "Shocking I know. You can't stay here Amell. They'll be looking for you."

"And they'll expect me to flee. They won't expect me to stay. My phylactery is in Denerim. It'll take time to get here, if they bother to send it at all."

"It's too dangerous. If you're doing this for him…"

"This isn't about Cullen." He gave her a look that questioned that. "I don't care if you believe me. I've made friends here. I will not let the mages suffer. After what Kant did to me…" she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. No one spoke for a long while.

"Help me out here, Hawke," Alistair pleaded. Maybe she could talk some sense into the mage.

"Amell is staying."

Alistair whipped his head towards Hawke. "What?"

"She wants to stay? She can stay at the estate. We hide her, we protect her. Just as we do with Anders. If they get close to finding her, we have a templar on our side."

"Thank you Hawke," Amell said.

"No need to thank me. You're family."

Amell beamed. Alistair raked his hand through his short blond hair. "I give up."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: NSFW**

A few days passed and Amell was helping Anders in his clinic.

"I didn't know you could heal," he said.

"Barely. I pale in comparison to you."

"Most do."

She threw a towel at his head. "Not very modest are you?"

"What do I have to be modest about?"

They continued to clean up after the day's patients. "What are you going to do?" he asked.

"I don't know. I thought I'd help you and the mage underground."

"Really? I thought you believed in the circle?"

"I believe in training. Not in abuse."

"You sure you can handle working under me? Not that I'd mind you under me."

"You're horrible."

"I'm irresistible." She shot him a look. "Oh I forgot your heart is taken. But if I'm not mistaken, your body isn't."

She thought of Kant and what he did to her, her face went very white. "Oh shit, I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry Amell."

"It's fine. It's nice to see you back to your flirtatious self. I thought you went all serious on me."

"Who says I'm not serious?"

She swallowed unsure of what to say to that. "So you and Hawke…"

He laughed. "It was a one time thing. She doesn't get attached."

"Did you? Get attached that is."

"Why are you asking me this?"

"Just curious."

"About my sex life?"

Amell blushed. "Well I get to hear all about Hawke's sex life on a nightly basis. Every single night."

Anders laughed. "You could always spend the night here. I'd be a perfect gentleman, I swear."

"I doubt your bed is as comfortable as mine."

"It's taking all my will power not to retort."

"Good control."

"You should see me in the bedroom."

Amell just shook her head. Anders provided quite the distraction and the flirting was flattering even if it meant nothing. She hadn't seen Cullen since he brought her to the dungeons and she worried for him. She had thanked Hawke for not involving him in her rescue. Hawke had said he didn't take it well and that worried her. She would feel so much better if she could just see him and see that he was okay.

# # # # #

The Gallows were in an uproar over Amell's escape. Right under their noses. Meredith was furious, threatening to expel every man that was on duty during the escape. No one questioned his involvement. Not that he had been involved, a fact that still bristled him. When it finally died down, Cullen sneaked out. He had to see Amell before she left, possibly forever.

He was let in to the estate and immediately heard cries of pleasure. His mind returned to when he had found Alistair and Amell together. That wasn't going to happen again, was it? He rushed up the stairs. He avoided the room with the moans and tried the other door. He found Amell propped up in bed, reading. He was relieved she was alone.

"Cullen," she said in surprise. "Is it okay for you to be here?"

"No one will miss me." He approached her. "I had to see you."

She smiled. A particular cry of pleasure, from Alistair, startled him. "They are like that every night."

He was a bit jealous of how freely they could love one another when he and Amell could barely look at each other. But things had changed. He reached for her and pulled her to her feet. He cupped her face in his hands and slowly but thoroughly kiss her. She trembled against his body. "Is this alright?"

"Yes."

Their kiss intensified. He started playing with the binding on her robes. She froze. "What are you doing?"

He was unprepared for the tone in her voice. "I'm sorry. I thought… I mean I hoped."

"Hoped what?"

"To have all of you."

She was startled by his admission. "Why?"

"Because I love you. Because I'll regret it if you leave before I've proved it to you."

She stroked his face. "What changed?"

"You're no longer a circle mage. You're no longer my charge. It's not taking advantage of my power over you. Things are different. I'm free to love you now. Unless you don't want me to."

"I have a confession. I'm not leaving Kirkwall."

"What? It's too dangerous here."

"It'll be dangerous everywhere. Here I have people to protect me. I have a duty to finish what I started. I'm not abandoning the mages to their fate."

"Other people can fight. Hawke, Alistair, even me. It doesn't have to be you."

"No, I won't have others fight where I'm not willing."

"But you could die."

"Then I'll die fighting for what I believe in."

He sighed. "Is there anything I can say to change your mind?"

"No."

"I still want to make love to you tonight."

She didn't say anything for a long time. He prepared himself for rejection. "Alright," she said in a whisper, sounding very unsure of herself. She undid the binding on her robes and let the clothing fall to the floor. Then she undid her breast binding and pulled down her small clothes. He watched, enraptured. He marveled at her naked form. He had never seen anything more beautiful.

"It isn't fair for me to be the only one."

He chuckled and she helped him with the clasps that kept on his armor. Once his armor was off, he quickly shed the rest of his clothes. Standing in front of her, naked and vulnerable, he felt heat rise to his cheeks. She glanced up and down his form, soaking up the image of him. He wanted to hide but he stayed frozen. She gave him a small smile of appreciation. It made him blush all the harder.

She grabbed his hands and pulled him to the bed. He landed on top of her, bracing his weight on his arms so as not to hurt her. He rolled over to his side and she faced him. His hands roamed her body. As they inched closer to her privates, she stiffened.

"Is this going to be okay? After what happened…"

"I don't know. I want to but my body is unsure."

"We'll take it slow. And if you want to stop, we'll stop. I'd rather you be sure."

He trailed his fingers across her hips and cupped her backside. He nuzzled against her neck, breathing in her distinct scent. There were tears in her eyes when she stopped him.

"I just can't bear to be touched. Not like that."

"I understand."

"He broke me."

"No my love. It's just too soon."

She nuzzled into his chest, planting kisses. "I can touch you."

"You don't have to."

"I want to."

He nodded. "Okay." He wasn't about to argue with the beautiful creature in his arms.

It was now her hands that roamed his body. She trailed fingernails down his stomach. Her touch was intoxicating. When she finally made it to his cock, he ached for her. She grasped him firmly with her hand and started pumping him. She studied his face, looking for what gave him the most pleasure and he guided her. She was a quick study. Soon he was rocking his hips, moaning as the sensations traveled his body. For a moment he flashed to the demon doing this to him against his will. He shut his eyes, trying to shed that image from his mind.

She noticed his discomfort and stopped. "Am I hurting you?" she asked.

"No, I just need a moment. I need to know that it's really you." He kissed her then, feeling her lips with his. Her kisses were different from the demons. They couldn't mimic her. It was really her. And this is what he wanted. He guided her hand back and soon she was stroking him again. This time all he could think about was her. He thought of her eyes and the small smile on her lips and the curve of her neck. He grabbed at her breast, massaging it in his hand, rolling the nipple between his fingers. She moaned and licked her lips. Seeing her in pleasure was enough to send him over the edge.

"Oh Solona," he cried out as he spilled his seed. He laid there a moment enjoying the aftermath of his orgasm. Then he got up and cleaned them both off. He returned to the bed and pressed his forehead to hers.

"You're beautiful when you're in the throes of passion," she said. He grunted, not sure how to respond. "You called me Solona."

"I did, didn't I?"

"I liked it. No one ever does. It feels good coming from you."

He kissed her softly. "Can I stay?"

She snuggled closer against him. "I would hate it if you left."

They fell asleep tangled together.

# # # # #

Cullen walked down the stairs to breakfast. Amell must still have been asleep because he came down alone. Hawke offered him breakfast with a knowing smile. This just furthered annoyed Alistair.

"So what are you going to do now that you aren't in the order?" Cullen asked him.

He shrugged. "I'll find something."

"What about lyrium?"

He glanced at Hawke who slightly nodded. "Hawke has sources."

"Oh I see."

"We could acquire a source for you too," Hawke offered.

"Why would I need lyrium?"

"If you ever choose to leave the order."

"Why would you… is this about Solona?"

"Solona? Really?" Alistair grumbled. He wasn't jealous, he wasn't. He had Hawke and he loved her. But it still didn't sit right with him that Cullen had spent the night with Amell. She deserved better. And now to call her Solona. That was just an insult.

"It is her name."

"She goes by Amell."

"Maybe with you." The man was much too smug.

"Boys please. I just meant that if the order were to find out about your part in Amell's escape, they may kick you out."

"I had no hand in her escape. You shut me out."

"For her sake. She wanted to protect you. Besides I know about Kant and what you did. And you are still helping us protect her from recapture."

"It's not her job to protect me."

Alistair saw Amell walking down the stairs before the other two. "Good morning," he greeted her warmly. She gave him a weak smile. She looked a bit distraught and that caused him to be angry all over again. What had Cullen done to her last night?

"How did you sleep?" Hawke asked.

Amell blushed. "Fine."

"I'm sure."

Cullen coughed. "I should get back to the Gallows." He walked over to Amell and planted a chaste kiss on her cheek. "I'll see you soon." And then he left.

"Are you feeling alright?" Alistair asked.

"I'm just tired."

"Up all night doing naughty things?"

"Hawke," he said, his voice low.

"What? I could use a little detail."

"I don't want any."

"Nothing happened." Alistair felt relief immediately.

"Really?" Hawke cocked an eyebrow.

"Okay there may have been a little uh touching…"

"I don't want to hear this."

Both women ignored him.

"But I couldn't. Every time he tried to touch me I kept flashing back to Kant."

Hawke hugged her.

"And he didn't stop?" Alistair was outraged.

"Of course he did. Why would you think otherwise?"

"You said there was touching. I assumed…"

"I could touch him just fine."

"Lucky man," Hawke said, grinning.

"Ugh."

"Oh shut it. We did more than just touch last night."

"I heard. We both heard actually. I think you made Cullen a bit uncomfortable."

"Sorry Alistair can get a bit noisy. It's a wonder you two didn't get caught."

"I must not do it for him like you. But we did get caught once, by Cullen."

"Can the two of you stop comparing notes?"

He was further ignored.

"Cullen caught you? How awkward."

"That doesn't even begin to cover it."

"No wonder Cullen hates Alistair."

"I wouldn't say he hates him. He's just disappointed in him. In his eyes Alistair broke his vows and took advantage of me." Alistair looked at her like she had just stabbed him. She thought he took advantage of her? Is that how she remembered things? "Oh don't look at me like that. I know you didn't take advantage of me but I can't convince him otherwise."

"Men are dumb."

"Hey!"

"You're pretty," Hawke cooed. Amell laughed.

"He's a hypocrite. He just broke his vows last night."

"I'm not a circle mage. There's no vows about relations with an apostate."

"Semantics and you know it. A pretty lie he tells himself so he can still feel superior. He made vows to hunt down apostates and he isn't doing that."

"No one's perfect," Hawke said.

"He's pretty damn close."

"Really after all he's put you through you think he's close to perfect?"

"You didn't see him naked."

Hawke burst out laughing.

"Ugh, I've lost my appetite."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: NSFW**

A couple of months have passed and Amell, Hawke and Isabella were laughing and drinking wine during their monthly girl's night.

"So how is the knight captain in bed? I've always wondered," Isabella asked.

"He's fine."

"Fine? Just fine? How disappointing."

"No, I mean, ugh we haven't…"

"Really? It's been two months and he's here all the time," Hawke said.

"I still can't be touched."

"Oh you poor thing."

"I try to take care of his needs and he says it's enough but I can tell he wants more." The whole thing made her feel miserable. She loved the time they spent together, she just wished she didn't feel so broken about it.

"He probably just wants to please you as you please him."

"I'm broken."

"No you aren't. You are having a normal reaction to what happened to you."

"But what if I never can? What if he gets sick of waiting around for me and moves on?" It felt good to get all of this off of her chest. She still didn't have a solution though.

"He's not going to do that. He loves you."

Amell sighed unconvinced.

"Well in my experience it depends on what she's doing for him. I've got some techniques that would blow his mind," Isabella offered.

"From the sounds I've heard him make, she's got it covered. But it has to be frustrating for you. Can you touch yourself?" Hawke asked.

Amell blushed. "Yes."

"In front of him?"

"That would be awkward."

"No honey. For him it would be a show he wouldn't forget. And it may loosen you up."

"I don't understand how."

"I feel your intimacy block is because you feel unworthy of him. You feel tainted."

"Okay, that makes some sense."

"This way you're letting some of the barriers down that you've erected to protect yourself. This lets you be vulnerable without too much risk."

"I guess."

"It's just something to try. It may not work but at least you would be getting something out of it."

It was an idea. Even if it made her uncomfortable even thinking about it, it was worth a shot.

"Isabella what do you think?" Amell asked.

"You wouldn't like my suggestion."

"What is it?"

"Adding someone to the bedroom to discover if it's just a block with him or if it's universal."

Hawke scoffed. "You just want to have sex with them."

"I didn't say me. But I wouldn't be opposed. Are you saying you wouldn't want a chance to bed the knight captain?"

"Maybe, before Alistair." A familiar pang of jealousy hit Amell. No way in hell was she sharing Cullen.

Isabella stared. "He means that much to you?"

"He means everything."

"I don't know whether to coo or vomit."

"Cooing is less messy." Amell smiled. "I'm so glad he found you."

"It's still a bit weird that you both have bedded him."

"You're just jealous." Hawke winked.

"I'd have sex with the two of you too."

"If I could get Alistair on board…"

Amell groaned. "Warn me ahead of time so I can find somewhere else to sleep."

"I'm sure Anders has room for you."

"I'm not sure he'd appreciate me dragging Cullen along."

"Who knows maybe they could share you."

Amell blushes. "I don't think Cullen would ever agree to that."

"But you don't sound opposed."

"Well it's not an unappealing thought but I can't handle Cullen on his own. What would I do with two of them?"

"Oh the things I could teach you."

# # # # #

Cullen opened the bedroom door and found Amell already naked on the bed. He took a deep breath. He had seen her naked plenty of times in the past couple of months but it still took his breath away.

"I want to try something new tonight," she said, her eyes casted down. She looked nervous.

"Okay." He was a bit cautious. Last time he had tried to touch her, she had sobbed. It broke his heart seeing her in so much distress over it. He'd rather they abstained completely than see her so distraught. He didn't want her to think the only reason he stuck around was for sex. He loved her. He just wanted to be with her, regardless of what they were doing.

"I'm going to touch myself while you watch." She blushed as she said the words.

His cock stirred at the thought. Maker was he lucky. "Okay." He had a hard time saying the word, saying anything. "What would you like me to do?"

"Get naked."

He cocked an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Because I need something to look at."

It was his turn to blush. He shrugged out of his armor and the rest of his clothes and came to the bed. She watched him with hunger in her eyes. There was no doubt that she wanted him. He just wanted to make her feel as good as she made him.

"Come closer," she breathed.

He settled on his side. She ran her fingers across his chest, tracing the lines of muscle. Her other hand dipped between her legs. He watched enraptured as she began to stroke herself. She rubbed herself and moved her hips to get better traction.

"You have no idea how wet it makes me watching you watch me."

His throat ran dry. He glanced up at her face seeing her reddened cheeks. She licked her lips and he moved forward to press his mouth against hers. She tasted sweet, familiar and it didn't take long for the kiss to deepen. When he pulled away, her breathing came faster and her eyes were glazed over.

"Keep watching, love."

He looked back down, studying like there was going to be a test. He memorized just where she touched to make her breathing ragged and her thighs shake. He wanted to touch her so badly. Instead he began to stroke himself.

"Oh," she moaned, her eyes on his member. "Yes, keep doing that."

She was close, he could tell by the clouded look in her eyes. She grabbed his hand and placed it over hers. Then she removed her own hand and it was just him touching her. He looked to make sure she was okay and saw her eyes closed, her mouth open and her head back. He continued to touch her just as she'd shown him.

"Oh Maker, that feels amazing."

He grinned feeling some male pride that he was affecting her like this.

"Use your fingers," she commanded.

He wasn't sure what she meant so he teased at her entrance with a single digit.

"Yes, Cullen, more."

This was new territory for him but he wanted to please her so he slipped the digit inside her wet heat. They moaned together. His cock ached, jealous of his finger.

"More Cullen. I need more of you."

He slipped in another finger, curling them so they rubbed against her upper walls. She bucked her hips. He used his thumb to rub the spot he knew made her moan. Her breathing came much faster so he did something he'd always wanted to do. He bent his head down and tasted her.

"Cullen!"

The tone in her voice startled him. "Do you want me to stop?" he asked concerned.

"Maker no. Keep doing that."

He grinned as he went back down. Her hands found his hair and she tugged on it gently.

"I'm close. Cullen, I'm so close."

He swirled his tongue around the places that made her squirm, delighting in her. He had never been turned on as much as he was right then. She arched her back and he felt her walls pulse. He kept moving his fingers as she came back down. She pulled his hair a little bit harder and he looked up at her. He moved up to claim her mouth. She opened her mouth to him and their tongues met.

She pulled away. "I need you inside me."

"Are you sure?" Everything was moving fast and he didn't want her to suddenly regret things. He really didn't want to hurt her.

"Yes. Make love to me."

He didn't need to be told again. He positioned himself at her opening, rubbing against her wet sex. Finally he thrust his hips forward and plunged inside of her. The feeling of her around him was like nothing he'd ever experienced. Her hand was nice, her mouth even better, but this, this was bliss. She wrapped her legs around his waist and urged him to move by digging her heels into his ass.

He slowly withdrew and then slammed into her hard, causing the bed to smack into the wall. He continued his slow but hard pace, cued by the irresistible noises she was making. Her fingernails dug into his back. Her walls squeezed him, breaking his concentration. He wanted to enjoy every second inside of her. He wanted this to last forever. She was far too impatient. She moved her hips to meet his with a smack of their bodies.

"Solona, you feel too good. I want this to last."

She giggled. "Darling this won't be the last time. I want you to make me scream."

How could he say no to that? He rolled his hips faster, feeling that familiar build up that told him he was close. But he refused to finish before she did, before she screamed his name. He held tight to his templar training as he pounded her. Her face spoke of the pleasure he was giving. They locked eyes and the moment was perfect.

"Cullen," she cried out, her walls pulsing around his cock.

He buried his head in her breasts as he spilled his seed deep in her womb. She continued to pulse, milking him dry.

"Solona," he murmured into her skin. "I love you."

She pulled him up so she could kiss him. "I love you too."

They soon fell asleep but when they woke in the morning he took her again, waking the rest of the household with her cries.

# # # # #

"I can't believe him," Alistair said, hearing Amell cry out.

"Love, I know we've kept them awake with our love making."

"That's not what I mean."

She wrapped her arms around him from behind. "What's bothering you?"

"He is. He couldn't wait, couldn't give her the time she needs to heal."

"I think she knows when she's ready."

"Not if he's pressuring her."

"You're making assumptions."

"I know her. I know how far she's willing to go to make him happy."

"Were I a jealous woman, this conversation would start to bother me."

He turned to face her, wanting to reassure her. "Hawke, love, I just worry for her."

"Worry is one thing, you sound jealous."

"I'm not. I just don't think he's good enough for her."

"She loves him."

"I'd rather she be with Anders."

Hawke snorted. "Anders is not the most available of men."

"Then someone else."

"Which you'd find some fault in. Admit it, the only man good enough for her is you."

"That's not fair. I only want what's best for her."

"You put her on a pedestal. You treat her like she's too weak to take care of herself. You treat her like a child and one of these days she's going to hate you for it."

He didn't know what to say.

"She's my cousin and I've grown to love her but there is only so much of this I can take. You are no longer her lover, you're mine. Stop acting like she's the most important person in the world."

He went to touch her but she recoiled away from him. "She's not. I love you more than anything, anyone."

"Then why don't you act like it?"

"Because you can take care of yourself and she can't."

Hawke scoffed. "It's not your job to take care of her. It's Cullen's. And from what I hear, he's doing a damn fine job of it."

Alistair ran his fingers through his short hair. "This is our first fight."

"Yes. I don't like it."

"Me neither. What can I do to make you feel better?" He expected a crude comment. What she did say surprised him.

"Just hold me."

As he held her close, he reexamined his own feelings. What was it about Cullen and Amell bothered him so much? He should have been happy for her as she was for him. But it felt like Cullen had won and he had lost even though he had the most wonderful woman by his side. He was going to lose her if he didn't stop acting like Amell mattered more. He closed his eyes, breathing in the scent of lilies on her hair. Losing Hawke wasn't an option. He would fight to the death to keep her, even if the person he was fighting was himself.

_I__'ll try and accept Amell and Cullen. It's not like he's going anywhere,_ he thought. He didn't own Amell, she was her own woman. And she loved Cullen, had always loved him. He vowed to respect her wishes and never mention how it made him feel. Because he couldn't control how he felt. He snuggled against Hawke. He couldn't have them both.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: NSFW**

Amell did something really stupid. She sneaked back into the Circle and went through the first enchanter's office. If she was caught, they would probably kill her on the spot or else drag her back to the dungeons and make her tranquil. She should have had Hawke do this but she felt so useless at the estate.

She nearly had a heart attack when Orsino caught her. "I would think you'd be miles from this place."

"I couldn't just leave the mages to this fate."

"What are you searching for in my office?" His voice was gentle with no trace of anger. She felt guilt for going through his things.

"Honestly? Searching for evidence of blood mages."

"You think I'm a blood mage?"

"No, but I had to be sure."

"Well you can keep searching if you need to. I have nothing to hide from you."

"Thank you, but that won't be necessary."

"I insist. I want you to trust me."

"Then I should tell you the truth." She explained her mission from the Divine.

"So what do you think the answer is?" he asked after she was done.

"The templars are too harsh and too many mages turn to blood magic out of desperation. I don't know what to do. This is too much for just me."

He reached out and rubbed her arm. "You don't have to do this alone."

She smiled at him, hoping she could trust her instincts to trust him.

"I feel responsible for what happened to you. If I hadn't gone to Meredith…"

"You couldn't have known what would happen. You aren't to blame."

"I still have a heavy heart about it. I… the Circle misses you."

"And I miss it to. Being an apostate is quite lonely."

"While I'm glad to see you, sneaking around the Gallows is too dangerous. If you were caught…"

"I know. I just like I can't help stuck on the outside."

"What can I do to help you?"

"Keeping me informed about things here."

"How?"

She took a deep breath. Could she really trust him? It was worth the risk to have someone on the inside.

"I'm staying at the Amell estate with Hawke. Send your messages there and I'll send back through Hawke."

"Are you safe there?"

"If you keep my secret."

"Of course I will. The last thing I want is something to happen to you."

"Thank you Orsino."

# # # # #

Cullen grabbed a drink at the Hanged Man. He had information about the hunt for Solona and planned on giving it to Hawke. He knew she often frequented the tavern. Months had passed and the templars had pretty much given up on finding Solona at all. He headed back to Varric's corner and was stunned to see Solona, her face covered but he'd know her anywhere. She was drinking and playing cards.

"Are you insane?" He grabbed her and pulled her to her feet, very careful in the amount of force that he used. Rage at her recklessness boiled inside of him.

"Cullen!"

"We need to talk, privately."

Anders looked like he was about to stop him when Solona put up a hand to quell him.

"Can we use your room Varric?"

The dwarf nodded.

He was still holding on to her arm as they walked up the stairs. Once the door was shut, he let her have it. "What were you thinking? Were you even thinking?"

"I couldn't spend another minute in that house. I needed to get out."

"Do you know how easily you could be spotted?"

"Not everyone knows me as well as you. I took precautions."

"That's not good enough, Solona."

"What do you want me to say? What can I do so you stop being angry at me."

He sighed, his anger unabated. Then he crashed his lips against hers. He didn't have the words to express how he felt so he would show her. The kiss was hungry and angry and she was moaning and she smelled so fucking good.

He unlaced her leather leggings and yanked them and her small clothes to the floor. His lips burned as he unlaced his own breeches and pulled himself out. He picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. He pushed her against the door and sheathed himself inside of her. He groaned from the contact. Then he started thrusting inside of her, slamming her backside into the door. His pace was punishing. He wasn't gentle. He took out all of his fear and frustration, pounding her until her cries peaked and she came.

"Cullen, more." He silenced her with his mouth. Breathing hard he emptied himself deep inside her. It had never been like this between them before. Animalistic, primal. He kind of liked it. Okay more than kind of.

"Wow," he muttered as he lowered her to the ground. She redressed and he tucked himself away. There was no way their friends didn't hear that.

"Maybe I should get you angry more often."

"No more risks, Solona. Promise me."

"I promise I won't go out drinking again. But I can't promise there won't be risks."

He sighed and pulled her in for a gentle kiss. "I'm just worried."

"I know love, I'm sorry."

They walked back to their friends. Most of them were smirking, even Alistair. Anders looked like he was going to be ill.

"Now that I've been thoroughly chastised, it's time for me to take my leave."

"I'll get her home," Cullen said.

"The two of you can't be caught together. I'll take her home," Anders jumped in.

"That won't be necessary."

"Would you kill one of your own templars to make sure she's not taken back there?" There is no question Anders would. He had already done it before.

"It's okay Cullen. Anders can take me back to the estate. Why don't you enjoy the rest of your evening?"

_I want to spend the rest of my evening with you,_ he thought. "Are you sure?"

She nodded. He watched her leave with another man.

"Care for a game Curly?"

# # # # #

Alistair was nervous. Hawke hummed to herself as she picked out her clothes for the day. Alistair was still in bed, naked. Today was the day. Today he would ask her to marry him.

He had been waiting to get his own jealousy under wraps. He finally could admit that that was why he had been holding so much against Cullen. He had never come to grips that the woman he used to love had always loved someone else. It had been easy to pretend when Cullen wasn't around. But now he had to face it. And facing it was easier than he thought. He would always love Amell but that love had faded into something else, something more akin to friendship. He wanted her to be happy and he couldn't ignore the fact that Cullen made her happy. Faking it helped until he really started to feel it. It was easier with Hawke. She brought him such joy that the thought of hurting her made him sick.

He got up and she approvingly ran her fingers up and down his body. "Stop being so tempting."

"You know I love you."

"And I love you too."

"I can't imagine ever feeling this way about anyone else. Will you marry me, Hawke?"

Her eyes got big and her mouth shaped like an O. He almost took it all back when she didn't respond. But then her beautiful face broke out into a huge smile and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Yes!"


	12. Chapter 12

"He proposed naked?" Amell could barely contain the giggle that wanted to rise up.

Hawke nodded.

"Sounds like Alistair."

While she was happy for her cousin and best friend, a part of her saddened. She'd never be able to marry the man she loved. But she wouldn't let that get her down. "There's so much to plan." Hawke looked down. "What's wrong?"

"You won't be able to be there. It's too big a risk."

"It'd be worth it to see two of the people I love most be wed. But if I were to get caught, it would ruin your day and I'm not that selfish."

"Besides imagine what Cullen would do if you took the risk."

"Considering what he did the last time, I'd enjoy it."

"Angry sex is the best."

Amell grinned, remembering.

"I'm glad things are well between you two."

"I cherish the time we get together even though I wish we had more."

Hawke changed the subject. "How is Anders? He's been so busy with the clinic that I never see him anymore."

"He's… focused. I've never met a man so committed before."

"There is some awe in your voice cousin."

"He does so much good for very little to no reward. He's so selfless it's surprising."

"If I didn't know better I'd say you were taken with him."

"Of course not. It's not like that."

"He wants it to be."

"I'm with Cullen."

"But if you weren't?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

Hawke shrugged. "I want what's best for you."

"And you think that's Anders."

"No, not really. But he's my friend too. The two of you spend a lot of time together."

"We're working together."

"I know. It's just since Alistair I've reexamined my past relationships and seen the mistakes I made. I don't want you to make a mistake. Ugh this sounds horrible."

"You think Cullen is a mistake?"

"Maybe I'm listening too much to Alistair, but do the two of you even have a future? I fear you stay for him and it'd make it too hard for you to leave if necessary."

"I'm not leaving."

"You might not have a choice. Templars have been sniffing around the clinic. I don't think I can protect you and Anders. The two of you may have to leave Kirkwall."

"And you think it'd be easier for me if I was with Anders rather than Cullen."

"Unless Cullen were willing to go with."

"He wouldn't."

"Are you sure about that?"

"He would never forsake his duty for an apostate."

"Even if that apostate was you?"

"Yes. I was never enough for him to abandon what matters to him. And that's okay. It's one of the things I love about him. I'm not his everything."

# # # # #

Hawke invited Cullen to the wedding. He was a bit surprised by the invitation but he agreed. He was happy for the couple. The wedding was beautiful and he could see how happy they both were. He kept thinking about Solona though. One of the mages had recently escaped the circle and he prayed that she wasn't involved. After the ceremony, they went back to the estate to celebrate. He abstained from drinking and kept his distance from Solona.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"It can wait."

"Did I do something wrong?"

"I don't know."

"Talk to me."

He looked around. No one paid any attention to them. "Your room."

She followed him up the stairs. Once they were alone, Cullen turned to her. "What do you know about the disappearance of Mage Andrews?"

She turned white. He took that as confirmation.

"You can't do that. The circle can't function when mages are escaping left and right."

"The circle doesn't function. It's corrupt."

"We were supposed to work on fixing that."

"We failed. I won't fail the rest of them."

"I can't let you do this."

"How are you going to stop me?"

"Solona…"

"What?"

"Tell me where Andrews is."

"No."

"You need to tell me."

"Or what? You'll turn me in?"

"Of course not. But I can't do my job if you are sabotaging the circle."

"I know what it's like in there."

"And I know what happens when blood mages fun free."

She stopped arguing and reached out, caressing his cheek. "Cullen…"

He pulled away from her. "Either you are with me or you're against me."

"What are you saying?"

"I can't be with you if you are fighting against the very thing I'm trying to protect."

"So if I don't give you Andrews, you're breaking up with me?"

He couldn't bring himself to actually say the words so he simply nodded.

"I'm not going to betray what I believe in. If that means I lose you, so be it," she said, conviction in her voice.

His knees went weak. He wanted to be angrier, to throw all his frustration out on her. Instead he got profoundly sad. "We are just too different."

"Please leave." He could tell she was on the verge of tears.

"Goodbye, Solona." As soon as he turned to leave, he could hear her crying. In that moment, he hated himself.

# # # # #

Alistair woke up beside his beautiful wife. His wife. He snuggled against her. "Let's stay in bed for the rest of the day."

She smiled but it faded. "I'm worried for Amell."

Alistair sighed. Everyone knew what had happened last night. Cullen had left without a word to anyone. Anders had gone up to comfort her but when he left he looked dismayed. Probably something about comforting the woman you loved as she cried for another man. Alistair could relate. "You told me before that she was strong enough to care for herself."

"This isn't about her being strong. It's about us being there for her when she's in pain."

"I know. I just want you to know that you are more important. I am here to please your needs."

"You pleased quite a few of them last night."

"I could please some more right now." He pulled her in for a long, lingering kiss.

She pulled away slightly. "It's tempting but I need to check on her. I feel bad that I didn't last night."

"We'll both do it then. But I will have you again my love."

"You'll have me for the rest of our lives."

They dressed and Alistair knocked on Amell's door. He heard a sniffle.

"Come in." Amell had a fake smile plastered on her face.

"Drop the act, Amell. We know."

"I don't want to ruin things. You two should be happy right now."

"We're here for you." Alistair sat on the bed and put his arm around her shoulders. Hawke stayed standing, but the concern on her face was evident.

"I'm okay."

"You're not."

"I will be. I mean it."

"He's an idiot," Hawke finally said, disdain in her voice.

"No he's right. We are too different. We want the exact opposite. I will always love him but I'm better off now." Hawke walked over and hugged her. "It still hurts though."

"You'll find someone who fits with you, someone you wants what you want. Who knows, maybe you've already found him."

"Anders."

"You said it, not me."

"I don't think I'm in any shape to take a new lover."

"Well not looking like that."

Amell laughed. "What I'm not fetching with red puffy eyes and a runny nose?"

"You're beautiful," Alistair said.

"I doubt it."

"No you are. Hawke is right. You'll only be alone as long as you want to be."

"How can I be with someone else when I still love him?"

"Remember what I always say. The easiest way over a man is under a new one."


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: NSFW**

Months had passed and the pain of losing Cullen had become a dull ache. Amell still thought of him often. She didn't really believe she'd ever get over him.

She had spent months working with Anders and they had grown close. One day after all the patients were gone, Anders approached her. "How are you, Amell?"

"I'm good. How are you?"

He didn't respond. Instead he grabbed her face and pressed his mouth against hers. When she didn't resist, he used his tongue to coax her mouth open to him. He tasted good, so different from Cullen. As soon as she thought about Cullen, she broke off the kiss. He whimpered.

"I'm sorry for being so forward."

"No you're not."

He chuckled and rubbed his face. "You're right. I'm not. I've been aching to kiss you since you came to Kirkwall."

Amell shifted, unsure of what to do. A part of her wanted to kiss him again, to try Hawke's theory. What if the only way to get over Cullen was to move on? But just the fact that he was still so much on her mind proved she wasn't ready. "Anders, I care for you. I even desire you but I'm not ready."

"It's been months. He isn't coming back."

"I know that. It's still too fresh. He's still too imprinted on me. Last time he left, I waited three years to see him again. I don't know if I'll ever be ready."

Anders scowled. "I don't understand this effect he has on you. He's really not that special." She closed her eyes. The last thing she wanted was to argue. "You are holding on to a dream, a fantasy. No wonder I can't compete. Give me a chance to prove I'm right for you."

"It wouldn't be fair to you. I can't give all of myself when I'm still—"

"Love, listen to me. I can't give all of me either. You would be sharing me with Justice. You deserve more than me but Maker help me I want you. I love you." He pulled her into his arms and she felt herself melt into his embrace. "If there's just a chance you could love me too, please take it."

She pulled away and looked into his brown eyes. "I could. I could fall in love with you easily. I'm just afraid."

"Just think about it. Okay?" She nodded. "Amell, if Cullen wasn't an issue, if he wasn't in the picture, would we be together?"

She thought for a moment. Tried to imagine a life without Cullen in it. "Yes."

"Remember that while you take your time to think."

# # # # #

Cullen walked through the Gallows and spotted a hooded figure emerging from the Circle. He followed her into Hightown. When they were alone, he grabbed her and pulled her into an alley. He felt her conjure her magic.

"Do that and every templar in miles would be alerted."

"Cullen?" She sounded surprised.

"What are you doing sneaking around the Gallows?"

"None of your business."

He pushed her against the wall. "I could have been anyone. Then what would you have done."

She looked at him seductively and traced the markings on his armor. "I'd do this." She licked her lips and he realized just how close they were standing. She ran her fingers through his hair. "I'd give them just what they are craving. Whatever one of your templars want, what they can't have."

This vixen wasn't Amell. This wasn't his Amell. _Amell isn__'t yours._ He pulled back. "What about Anders?"

"Anders and I aren't together."

"I assumed."

She pressed against him. He could feel her heat even through his armor. "You shouldn't make assumptions." She trailed her nails against his thighs. He was hard, unbearably hard but he didn't want her to know that.

"What if I have someone else?" He expected her to withdraw, maybe even to look hurt but instead she reached up and pulled his face so it was inches from her own. He felt her breath tickle his ear as she whispered.

"I don't care." Her fingers brushed against his aching erection. He should push her away but his body betrayed him. "I know what you want Cullen. I can feel what you want."

This was a dream. It had to be. Her lips grazed his ear and he shivered. His hands grasped her waist. He pushed her against the wall again, pressing his erection against her body. She rubbed against him. "We don't work Amell."

He lips were on his throat. "We don't. But our bodies do."

His brain was no longer working. He needed her. He lifted up the hem of her robes as she wiggled out of her small clothes. He lifted his templar skirts and released his throbbing manhood. She hooked her legs around his waist and he sheathed himself inside of her. She felt amazing, better than he remembered. She felt like home. He pushed into her, feeling her squeeze around his cock. He was dizzy and it took all his concentration not to come right then and there. He didn't want this to end. When it did she'd be gone and all he'd have were memories. So he continued to thrust into her wet heat, urged on by her soft moans. She pressed her lips against his and started to suck on his bottom lip. He moaned.

"Harder Cullen. Fuck me harder."

He grunted, increasing his pace. She came undone and it was his undoing. Once finished they stood there panting. She redressed without looking at him and went to walk around him. He grabbed her and pulled in for a scorching kiss. He bruised himself on her lips. He wanted to thank her, to say something, anything. Instead he let her walk away. And all those months he told himself that he was over her, he realized his folly. He would never be over her.

# # # # #

Alistair went to Darktown to get Anders before the templars descended on the clinic. They escaped through the tunnels and made it back to the estate without any altercations.

"Where's Amell?" Anders asked as soon as they were inside.

"I'm right here." She ran and embraced him. His face went from relief to anger. He pulled away from her.

"Your templar lover betrayed us."

"No, it was Cullen that warned us," Hawke said, appearing in the doorway. Alistair went to her and she kissed him. "I'm glad you are safe."

Anders' face was still a mask of anger. "What's wrong, Anders?"

"I'm just disgusted that you let a templar touch you."

Amell's face fell and tears starting to form.

"Wait a damn minute. I married a templar. Where is your disgust for me? Or is it only okay to treat the woman you claim to love with disdain?" Hawke asked.

"You're not the one with child," he sneered. Amell's eyes went wide. "So who was it? Who did you lay with? Cause it sure as hell wasn't me."

Alistair watched as all the color drained from her face. She covered her mouth with her hand. "It's alright, Amell. You don't have to answer his question."

Hawke was furious. She had her hands on her hips. "Anders if I didn't love you I would send you out on your ass even with the templars searching for you. She doesn't deserve this."

Anders wasn't paying any attention to anyone but Amell. "Was it a lie? You told me you needed time, time to think about us. But instead you what? Found someone else?"

"No," she finally said. "It wasn't someone else."

Hawke enveloped her into her arms. "What happened, honey?"

"He caught me when I was leaving the Gallows. I… we… it just happened. I thought if I had closure…"

"You're sure its Cullen's?"

She nodded. "I haven't been with anyone else."

Anders still looked furious. "DO you care about me at all?" he asked.

"Anders I'm sorry. I should never have given you hope."

The man closed his eyes and his face softened. "Don't be sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted like that. Forgive me?"

"Yes."

"What are we going to do? The clinic…"

"You will both stay here where it is safe for now. But you should really consider leaving the city."

"I can't," they said together.

"Think of the baby at least. Do you know what they'd do if they discover you pregnant? They will take the baby."

Anders turned to Amell, his face showing his regret. "I can't get us out yet. But I will soon. I'm sorry Amell, I wish I could take you someplace safe."

"I'm not running away. He deserves to know."

"Maybe he'll do the right thing," Alistair offered.

"What is the right thing, though?"

"Maybe we should all go," Hawke suddenly said.

"You want to run?"

"I want to protect my family. I could get us out tonight. I'd never be able to live with myself if I failed."

Amell hugged her cousin. "We are safe. If the templars come we will escape through the tunnels. Until then I promise I won't leave the estate."

Alistair didn't want to run. He wanted to stay here, start a family. But he also didn't want to lose Amell. She was a part of their family as was her baby. Baby. He felt a bit jealous. Not of Cullen but of Amell. Hawke hadn't been able to get pregnant yet though they were trying. He desperately wanted a child of his own, a little girl that looked like Hawke. Or a little boy that looked like Hawke. He didn't care. He just wanted to give her a little more happiness.


	14. Chapter 14

Amell waited by the fire for Cullen. He came in but kept his distance.

"I wasn't sure you would come."

"Hawke said it was urgent. I assume you are leaving the city."

"The city is on the brink of war, a war I helped start. I can't abandon it now."

"Then why am I here, Amell?"

She finally looked at him. He was stiff, withdrawn. He looked like he'd flee at any moment. She sighed. "I don't know how to say this but I must. I'm pregnant."

He opened his mouth but no words came out. "It's mine?"

"I haven't been with anyone else."

"But it's been months," he said.

"It only takes once."

He closed his eyes.

"I'm sorry. For what it's worth I have no expectations of you," she said.

He stood there silently for several minutes.

"Say something."

"I'm torn. A part of me wants to rush across this room, take you into my arms and make love to you."

"And the other part?"

"Wants to flee."

There was a lump in her throat. "You don't have to decide now."

"But if you leave…"

"That depends on the templars really."

"There's been no talk of Hawke or the estate but they know Anders is an associate of hers. You really aren't safe."

"Will I ever be?"

He sighed and rubbed his neck. "There's something you should know. There was someone else."

She felt a sharp pain in her gut. That hurt. "Oh?" was all she could squeak out.

"I thought the only way to get over you was to be with someone else."

"Who was she?"

"A templar, which made things awkward when I ended it."

"Were you together when we…"

"No. It'd been over for a while. She wasn't what I wanted. It was a mistake."

"You don't owe me anything."

"But you didn't."

"It wasn't out of loyalty to you. I knew it wouldn't be fair to him and I cared too much to put him through the pain. I did that once before with Alistair. I learned my lesson."

"You love him?"

"I could. If it weren't for you, I probably would. But it doesn't matter. He doesn't want me anymore. Not now." She gestured to her belly.

He approached her hesitantly. "May I?"

She nodded. "There isn't much there yet. I'm not far along."

He placed his hands gingerly on her stomach. Having him touch her was all too pleasing. She needed him to stop. Instead he ran his hand up her sides until he cupped her face. This thumb stroked her cheek. "I'm not running away."

"Things haven't changed."

"Solona… I can't offer you what you deserve but I can't turn away either. I need you."

She put her hand on top of his. "I need you too."

He kissed her softly and she kissed him back more urgently. She pulled him to the bed and he plopped down beside her. He held her and for the first time in months she fell asleep in the arms of the man she loved.

# # # # #

Cullen felt conflicted about the pregnancy. He was filled with both wonder and terror at being a father. He had no idea what future he and Amell even had. If she was forced out of the city, what would he do? Could he abandon his duty to follow? What about his duty to her and to their unborn child? He hated how complicated everything was. Why couldn't things be easier?

Meredith approached him, a stern look on her face. "Knight-captain I want you to arrange a search of the champions estate. I believe she harbors an apostate. But be discreet. I fear someone in the ranks is slipping her information." Cullen's heart sank. His worst fears were coming true. Soon there would be nowhere for Amell to hide.

"When do you want this done?" At least he was still trusted.

"As soon as possible."

"Yes Knight-Commander."

She left and he panicked. He needed to get word to Hawke but how? Amell was in danger. He had to get her out of Kirkwall. He rushed to the estate, not caring how it looked.

Bodhan opened the door. "Lady Amell is upstairs."

"Where's Hawke?"

"I'm right here."

"The templars are coming, we need to get Amell out of here."

"What's going on?" Amell asked, appearing at the top of the stairs.

"We need to get you out of Kirkwall."

"What about Anders?"

"I don't know where he is actually," Hawke said.

"Well we can't leave without him. I think I know where he might be." Amell left and returned under a cloak. "This should suffice."

"We are not going around the city looking for him," Cullen argued.

"Well I am."

"Don't do this, Solona."

"I appreciate the risk you took warning us. Now gather your men and make your raid. We won't be here when you arrive."

He looked to Hawke who only nodded.

This could be the last time he ever saw her. He rushed up the stairs and took her in his arms. "Be careful, my love." She kissed him on the cheek and gave him a small smile, one that didn't reach her eyes.

"Goodbye Cullen."

He left and gathered some men, praying the entire time. When he got to Hightown, he found Orsino and Meredith arguing, the Champion between them. Hawke's companions, including Amell, stood at her side. He marched his men over to where they were arguing.

"Knight-Commander is everything all right?"

"Maybe you can talk some sense into them because they aren't listening to me," Hawke said.

His mind barely registered the arguing pair, his eyes on Amell. She had her hood drawn up, half-hiding her face. Their eyes met. He needed to make a decision. Could he really let her leave without him? No. He couldn't. As soon as it was safe, he would take her from Kirkwall himself. He would protect her. It was his duty.

Just as the decision was finally made, the chantry exploded.

# # # # #

Alistair checked to make sure Hawke was okay.

"What did you do Anders?" Hawke asked, staring at her former ally.

"I took away the chance for compromise."

Meredith declared the Rite of Annulment. Orsino begged the Champion. Amell stood by Orsino.

"I'm sorry Hawke, but I can't just let the mages be slaughtered."

Everything was happening so fast. He could see the indecision painted on Hawke's face.

He needed to reassure her. He didn't have the answer but he trusted her. "I stand with you, love."

"I agree with Amell. I can't stand by and watch the mages die."

"Make your decision wisely, Champion. You stand with them and you will share their fate." There was no mercy in Meredith's voice. Her and her templars left. Cullen hesitated for only a moment before turning and leaving with his men.

He saw the look of pain that crossed Amell's face before she hid it. He wanted to reach out to her, to tell her she still had her family but he didn't. He knew Cullen's betrayal would hurt no matter what he said.

"I'll be waiting for you at the Gallows," Orsino said. "I'll leave him to your hands." He pointed to Anders who was sitting on a crate, his face melancholy.

"There's nothing you can say that I already haven't said to myself."

Hawke tried to get answers from Anders but came up empty. She turned to her companions for their advice.

"He deserves to die," Alistair said.

Amell spoke last. "Killing him now makes him a martyr. It's what he wants."

"What would you do?"

"I'd let him go, make him live with the consequences, alone."

Anders looked at Amell, his eyes full of tears. "Could I have saved you?" she whispered, her voice shaky. Alistair hadn't even considered how Amell must have felt.

"No, love. I had to do this."

"You could have told me."

"You might have tried to stop me or worse tried to help."

"We could have found another way, a better way."

"No, love. I'm sorry."

"Damn it Anders. She is going to exterminate all the mages for your crime."

"It had to be done."

Hawke sighed. "I'm letting you go. Maker knows why but death isn't going to solve our problem. Leave my sight. If I ever see you again, I'll kill you."

"Come with me Amell."

"Why would she do that?" Alistair asked.

"Because staying and fighting is going to end in her death. I can get you out of the city. Somewhere safe for you and the baby."

"I'm not fleeing. I will see this through."

"Amell please. You just saved my life, let me save yours."

"You made your choice Anders. So have I. Goodbye."

He walked over to her and kissed her cheek. "I will always love you." Then he turned and fled.

Amell's face was a stony mask. "Are you alright?" Alistair asked.

"We need to get to the Gallows."


	15. Chapter 15

The One Who Protects

Hawke and her companions fought to the Gallows. There were abominations and blood mages as well as templars standing in their way. The battles were a blur. Amell conjured up spell after spell, blood drying on her robes. She was reminded of the tower. She gave in to her fear, in to her anger, and became what she had to do in order to survive. Maybe she should have left with Anders. It would have been the unselfish thing to do. Now she was condemning her child to death if she failed to save the mages. There was a bright side. They were able to save a handful of mages that joined their entourage.

They made it to the Gallows and were met by Meredith and Orsino. Orsino begged Meredith to reconsider and Meredith was asking Hawke to choose wisely. Amell stared at Cullen, wondering if he was going to act. His face was unreadable and he wouldn't look at her. Hawke chose the mages again and Amell wondered just how much influence she had over Hawke's decision. She loved her cousin. She didn't want to fight against her.

She followed Orsino deeper into the Gallows to help protect the mages. Cullen stayed rooted in place. _He__'s going to leave me to my fate. He's not even going to fight for me and our child._ She shouldn't be surprised but it was her second betrayal of the day and it hurt worse than the first. They were on opposite sides as they have always been and neither of them was willing to bend. _Why should I bend when innocent lives are on the line? Why can__'t he see that?_ She wanted to talk to him but it wasn't possible.

She continued to follow Orsino into the hall where the mages were gathered. Templars marched into the hall to face them. None of them were Cullen thankfully. The group quickly dispatched them.

"They have us cornered like dogs," Orsino mumbled. He turned to her. "I can't let them win. Too much is at stake."

"We will fight them off." He surprised her by moving in close. Then he brushed his lips against hers. She was taken aback by the intimacy.

"I'm sorry Amell but I must do this."

She backed away when he took out a dagger and sliced his flesh. He turned into a monster. Another bloody betrayal. She created a barrier to protect the mages as she and Hawke fought off the abomination. She felt dizzy and sick when Orsino fell.

# # # # #

Cullen worried. Amell was in there, fighting for her life, for the life of their child and he was outside waiting on reinforcements. He felt ill. He was still unsure of the role she played in the chantry explosion. He didn't know if she helped Anders, suspected that she did. They were close. She believed in his cause. It made sense that she would be a part of it. But thinking she was a murderer rang false. Amell wouldn't have killed innocents would she have?

But to let her die, to be a coward and not fight at her side… he had never been so torn in his life so he prayed. Meredith noticed.

"The Maker will guide us. We will have victory."

But he wasn't praying for victory, he prayed for her. As an answer to his pray, Hawke and Amell emerged from the circle and walked into the courtyard.

"Orsino is dead. All the blood mages have been killed."

"Then you will die with them."

"What? We were going to arrest the Champion and her companions," Cullen said, facing Meredith.

"She's a mage who protects an apostate. She made her choice."

"No." Cullen stood up to Meredith. He was finally making a choice as well and he would not let Meredith murder them.

"Thralls, all of you." Meredith attacked.

Cullen and his men joined Hawke and her companions to battle the crazed Knight-Commander. He did his best to protect Amell, thanking the maker that he was not too late to do so. Eventually Meredith falls.

He started barking orders to his men when he sees Amell. Her waist and legs were covered in blood and she fell. He rushed over to her but Hawke stopped him. Her voice was cool. "We'll handle this. Keep your men contained."

They carried Amell back into the circle and he began to pray again.

# # # # #

"I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do. Too much stress on the body."

Amell had lost the baby. She laid there shivering and crying.

"We have to go Amell. Cullen can only hold them back so long."

"I'm not going."

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Someone needs to stay with the mages, protect them from the templars. It's what I came here for."

"Don't you dare stay here for him."

"I'm not. I sear. But I can't run. I'm not Anders."

Alistair wrapped a hand around Amell's wrist. "We can just take you."

Amell laughed. "Trust me that's be the wrong move. But you guys need to leave."

Hawke threw her arms around the other woman. "I love you."

"I love you too. Goodbye."

They returned to the courtyard where Cullen was pacing.

"How is she?" he asked in a low voice.

"She's resting. However she lost the baby."

His face fell. Alistair felt bad for him.

"You need to leave Kirkwall."

"We are but Amell isn't coming with us."

"Why would you abandon her here?"

"She wants to stay, to help the mages, to finish what she started."

Cullen sighed. Hawke pressed against him, her voice a whisper. "If anything happens to her I will personally return and destroy you."

"She'll be safe. I give you my word."

# # # # #

Amell had finally stopped crying when Cullen came in to look for her. The moment he saw her, she broke back into tears. He knelt next to the make shift bed she laid on, careful not to touch her. While there was concern on his face, he seemed stiff and unsure of himself.

"We need to talk," he started. She nodded. "I need to know. Did you have anything to do with the chantry explosion?"

Her mouth fell open. He actually thought her capable of such an act? "Of course not."

He breathed a sigh of relief. "Good."

"Is that why you stayed with the templars? Why you betrayed me?"

His eyes widened at her words. "You think I betrayed you?"

"You stood by and let everything happen."

"I was torn."

"Cullen you are always torn. You need to make a choice and stand by it. I can't take the waffling any more."

"I thought I had chosen when I stood up to Meredith."

She reached out for his hand. He held hers. She wanted him to hold her, to mourn their child together but there was too much standing between them.

"I'll be a circle mage again. And as senior templar until the Chantry sends someone else, it is your duty to ensure the safety of the mages. I trust you won't let anything happen to the remaining few."

"There's still time for you to leave."

"I'm not going anywhere. They need me."

"There's still time for me to go with you."

She blinked at him. Was he really saying this? He would forsake his duty to be with her? No. He would hate her for it, resent her. She wouldn't do that to him. Besides she needed to stay.

"I'm still staying. You can leave if you want to." She tried to keep her voice devoid of any emotion.

"Rebuilding Kirkwall is going to take time and a lot of effort. Are you sure you are up to it?"

She nodded. "I helped rebuild the circle in Ferelden. I'll do the same here. Unless you plan to stop me?"

"Of course not. But you know what that means for us."

"There is no us."

"Right." He closed his eyes. "You're the senior mage in charge for now. What are you planning on doing?"

"We are surrendering to the templars. No more fighting. No more death. Do you accept?"

"Yes. The Rite of Annulment is called off. There will be a lot of heat to come down from the city's occupants. Blood mages and abominations destroyed many parts of the city. I don't know the extent of the damage yet."

"It's your job to ensure that the line between the mages and the people isn't crossed. We submit ourselves to the templars in exchange for protection from the populace."

"I will always protect you."

"Cullen…"

"I mean it. As long as I'm breathing, I will protect you. Even if we can't be together, I will protect you."

"I need you to promise to protect the mages. Not me. I can protect myself."

"Looks like we'll be working to change the Gallows for the better together again."

"Hopefully this time we won't fail."

They didn't talk about the baby. That was too painful. They didn't talk about their relationship. That was too painful. So they both focused on rebuilding what was broken, even as they both remained broken themselves.

**A/N: Thank you for reading! Amell and Cullen's story continues in The One Who Commands.**


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